DAY 1076 - Day 834 in Recovery Paradise

My 5-Star accommodations at the ER

Another trip to the ER this past week.  On Monday, at work, I started feeling chest discomfort (I won't say pain) but very disconcerting.  I seemed to be a little light-headed and developed a good sized headache. Delving into the philosophical aspects of the  power of the mind, I also started feeling tingling in my left forearm and fingers.  Classic heart attack symptoms.  This begs the questions:  Did my mind "recognize" the other symptoms after my chest began aching or did my mind "create" the symptoms?  So, off I go to the ER about 9:30 am- about 15 miles away.  The only positive note about going to the ER with "heart attack" symptoms is that they check you in real fast.  They hooked me up to an EKG machine and took my blood pressure and pulse.  I thought that it also could be my A-Fib coming back, with a racing heart.  Everything was fine, no racing heart, blood pressure was fine and the x-ray didn't show any signs of a heart attack.

They hooked me up to an IV and took a blood sample to test if there were any signs of a heart attack recently (I had also gone home from work early on the previous Friday with chest discomfort).  The blood test takes about 1.5 hours so it was "wear the open-backed dress and wait" game.  Fortunately for me, my wife had gotten my message on her work voice mail and had come down to hang out with me.

The nurse came back in about an hour and  said the first blood test was not working and took another tube of fresh blood and started the 1.5 hour test again.  Now it was about noon and they didn't want me to have food or water until they had some results.

About two o'clock they came back and said the second test proved negative; meaning no heart-attack, but wanted to do another round of blood tests to make sure (add 1.5 more hours to the fun).  

Those tests came back negative also, but it was still not explaining the symptoms, so they scheduled me for a Cardiac Perfusion Scan.  Finally got out of the ER about 4 pm.

Bob's pre-Christmas lighting ceremony

I had the scan (sometimes called myocardial perfusion imaging) this past Thursday at 9 am.  It was a two part series.  Since I was taking meds to slow my heart rate down for the A-Fib issues, they opted for the nuclear stress testing vs. the treadmill test. They hooked me up to a lot of wires and injected adenosine into my IV to simulate stress on my heart, as related to heavy exercise.  The feeling was very odd.  I felt a bit dizzy and nauseous.  Most of the symptoms went away within  about 15 minutes. After they took all their tests, another physician came in and injected a radioactive tracer into my IV and sent me over to another room and a scan area to photograph the movement of the radioactive tracer as it moved into and out of my heart muscle.

Cardiac Perfusion Scan camera

The Cardiac Perfusion Scan (CPscan) wasn't as bad at the PET-scan and the CT-scan  which are very (PT) and somewhat (CT) claustrophobic.  It was basically a big camera that rotated around my chest (so my head was out- whew).  It took about a half-hour and I was released to wait for awhile to make sure I was ok to drive.

That was Thursday.  Now, more waiting for results.  Possibilities: Coronary Artery Disease, damaged heart muscle, or some "other" innocuous unknown. A guy I know on the Tonsil Cancer Forum was about two years out (like me) from Tonsil cancer radiation and chemo treatments when he went to the doctor for chest pains and was subsequently diagnosed with lung cancer.  So, one has to be cautious about hoping for "other"...might be out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I am supposed to hear from my doctor tomorrow.  It is somewhat like buying your future on the installment plan.  But I got a blog out of it...ha.

"Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune or temporary defeat." - Napoleon Hill

DAY 1065 - Day 823 in Recovery Paradise

Elizabeth Edwards (1949-2010) was an advocate for staying strong while living with cancer.  She lived with stage 4 cancer for quite awhile.  This warrior in the cancer crusades lost the battle,  but made an indelible mark on the rest of the world with her actions and her words.  Her last Facebook post was:

The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human," she wrote.

"But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know."

For all of us, the game of life will have an end.  How we choose to live our days, hours, minutes; the impact we have on others, those that will carry our torch after we are no longer in the race; this will be our legacy.  It is hard enough to be strong and a shining example in the best of times.  How we choose to face our challenges and lead our lives in the worst of times will surely define who we really are and how we will be remembered.

I participated in a forum that is building  a Q & A checklist for the unfortunate souls yet to be diagnosed with Oral/Tonsil/Throat, etc. Cancer.  My contribution to the group was:

*Get all your dental work done before your face and jaw are radiated. I have the special custom made dental trays and fluoride paste.  I use it every night and will forever, as a result of the head & neck radiation. The bone structure is weakened and you want to avoid having any major dental work, post radiation,  if you can.

* Bulk up in weight while you can.  You need to have something extra to lose, because you will lose weight.  I added ten pounds and lost thirty-five.  You won't be able to eat again until much later so enjoy butter and cream on everything until it starts to taste like moldy cardboard.

*Seriously consider having a "peg"  feeding tube installed (a long plastic tube sticking out of your stomach so you can take protein and liquids on a gravity fed system when you can no longer swallow - not even water).  I thought I was a tough guy and got all the way through treatment - and then landed in the hospital the week after treatment ended to get hydrated and have the tube installed - Hated it .  Immensely!  But it saved my life.

*Maintain a light regimen of exercise, walking, stretching, anything - it is as good for your mind and it is for your body.  You will get weak and for me I was reduced to the pitiful shuffle of a 90 year old man.  Having been in sports in high school and college, I wasn't used to not being able to walk across the room.  I was a whiner about the exercise, so instruct your spouse, friend, caregiver, to be unrelenting on the encouragement to get a bit of exercise in daily.  You will be better off for it.

*Surround yourself with positive motivation, whether it is positive quotes, music, relationships, prayer, etc.  Develop a powerful, positive Mantra.  I used mine ( I WILL beat this cancer, I WILL beat this cancer, I WILL beat this cancer ) with a custom CD with 5 three minute songs during the 35 fifteen minute rads to fight the claustrophobia and "why me's".  To insure precise targeted doses of the radiation you are fitted with a custom face mask that bolts to the table and your body is strapped down to the table before they slide you into the radiation tube.  I used to ask my radiation techs if they charged extra to the S & M patients. Very claustrophobic.

*Start a blog or diary.  Sometimes this will be the only way you can communicate.  My throat was so dry and I also couldn't swallow - even if I could, it was too painful.  Writing in my blog solved the communication problem.  I remember friends calling to check up on me and having to hang up because I couldn't get any sound to come out.

 *Make a Gratitude List of all the good things you are thankful for and the experiences you have had in your life.  DO NOT write a bucket list (until you recover).  Do not focus for one second on what you don't have or didn't do.  The size of the good-things-I-am- thankful-for Gratitude List will surprise you.  It will be much longer than you thought possible.  Make copies. post one in every room of your home and put a copy in your wallet.  Read it every day. Read it again.

*Radiation and chemo (perhaps surgery) Treatment is awful, but it is necessary to survive. I also hated going to the dentist my whole life,  but I did it because I wanted to keep my  teeth.  I hated going through rads and chemo, but I did it because I wanted to keep my life.  Treatment is just a job,  A dirty, nasty, unforgiving job.  Do the job.  Get it over with. Move on with your life, a better life for the number of days you do have .  Now you can write your bucket list.  I was lucky.  I have had the good fortune to live a fantastic and exciting life.  My list only had four things on it.

1.  Tell everyone how important they are, how much you love them and mend ALL your bridges. It is a shame that I had to get cancer to figure this one out. * I threw a party a week after I got my two-year, cancer free, diagnosis,  with over 50 people in attendance to celebrate my relationship with them - family, friends, and co-workers.  It was fantastic. I loved it- they loved it. Very fulfilling.

2.  I wanted to write and be published...and here we are on the world wide web.  I have feedback and emails from people from all over the world after reading my cancer blog.

3.  I always wanted to play in a rock band.  On my 63rd birthday (three months ago) I started taking music lessons on my new Fender electric bass. It is really a thirty year old NEW electric bass.  I bought it NEW thirty years ago in a momentary lapse of judgment in a fleeting mid-life crisis, recovered,  and promptly put it in the closet.  I rediscovered it, wiped off the dust and bought an amp. 

Sometime next year, my guitar teacher is grabbing some of his friends and is putting a band together for me, one night only,  playing the only three songs I know how to play, at a pizza parlor with a stage...open invitation to my friends. 

Then I can hang up the guitar - or sell it on eBay or God willing, live long enough to really learn how to play that thing and get into a real band.  All classic rock, country and blues of course.

Note: I am growing a beard and stopped cutting my hair - because I can (which is amazing because I lost all my hair during chemo and I thought it would never come back) to accentuate my new found Rock Star image.

4. Leave a legacy to be proud of.  I am compiling a print version and DVD version of my life stories, excerpts from my blogs and my new found deep appreciation for all those that are important to me.  I finished my will.  I have provisions for my wife and four children and my new grand children.  I intend to live a full twenty years more....but, just in case.

Long after the cars and bank account and things are gone, how you will be remembered, will be your legacy. 

I love these quotes:

"What we are is God's gift to us.  What we become is our gift to God. " ~Eleanor Powell

"It is never too late to be who you might have been." ~ George Eliot

DAY 1048 - Day 806 in Recovery Paradise

2008 radiation start

2010 2 1/2 years later

Wow...over 1000 days since this long strange trip began.  My throat has been sore again for a couple of days in the same spot where it all began.  I can't help but go to the dark evil place my mind creates when this happens.  Lise says it is because I sleep with my mouth open and I will have a raw spot where the cancer was, forever.  When this happened two years ago, it seemed so innocuous, but turned out to be anything but that.  Maybe my doctor will forbid me to talk...ha.

Thanksgiving coming next week.  Holidays, in  particular have special meaning on the bright side of the dark chasm of a Cancer diagnosis.  I remember 2 years ago, hoping to have my first solid food in many months.  I still had the feeding tube in and felt like I had a walk-on part in the "Alien" movie series. I had graduated from water to nothing to feeding tube to soup.  I actually had turkey and mashed potatoes (with lots of gravy) on the 2008 holiday.  There was some serious "thanks" giving going on that day.

Family tradition dinners are getting smaller.  My three sons are grown men now with their own families and obligations.  They have discovered the joys of solid employment and will probably have to work that day.  My oldest and his family are in Idaho with snow up to there - forecast for Thanksgiving Day with the other two enjoying the blessings of employment with heavy work schedules through the holidays.

The newest addition to the Welton clan will be joining us in a bit over a week ...my new bun-still-in-the-oven grandson (lovingly referred to at this point as "skittle bean")...I can see that moniker lasting for a long time....will be here in about ten days.

For the most part, I feel good, glad to be here.

“Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Song of the Day:  "My Best Days are Still Ahead of Me"  Danny Gokey

DAY 944 - Day 794 in Recovery Paradise

 Two years ago today, I was still recovering from my chemo and radiation with a feeding tube to deal with.  We had driven to "Apple Hill", an area about 45 minutes away in the foothills dotted with beautiful apple farms.  It had and has been an annual trek in the early fall to see the color changes in the leaves, check out the craft booths and pick apples.

An excerpt from my blog on that day was:  "They were giving away apple slice samples at one of the stops. Without thinking, I accepted and popped one in my mouth and started chewing, not realizing that I couldn't do it. Miracle! I was able to eat it. I ended up eating two more entire apples. It's the first solid food I've had in three months." 

Tonight, I fixed stewed chicken and and garlic mashed potatoes with a big green salad with lime juice and Asian chili sauce dressing.  No way I could have had that two years ago.  Good progress.  Still have dry mouth and need lots of liquids...just may be a permanent thing.


I participate in an international on-line forum for tonsil cancer people (what is the proper word here: "patients", ":sufferers", "survivors", "D - all of the above?")  Two of our long time members have noted that cancer has come back more aggressively and in virtually untreatable areas- brain and lungs.  It is sad to see strong people beaten down, that rise up, only to be beaten down again. 


I am now re-purposed again as a result of reading their stories.  I am motivated to make a few more marks in my tiny portion of the universe while I can.  Last night, I enjoyed watching old VHS movies of my sons (now 26, 25, 23) when they were 1, 2, and 4.  Then I pulled out old 8mm tapes of my daughter (now 12) when she was 8 months old.  Great memories.  Now fixated on converting them all to DVD (soon to be replaced by ???) for posterity and an enduring legacy.


My oldest son now has a 3 year old son and another one soon to arrive.  We are getting Ian and Jen a new video camera to start a new generation of recorded memories.


"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." - Winston Churchill 

DAY 900 - Day 750 in Recovery Paradise

One of the advantages of getting wake-up calls on one's health and limited life on earth is that if one is wise enough, you can maximize your remaining time with quality living, giving thanks for all that you do have and not focus on what you don't have.

After the Cancer and cardiology issues, I became fixated on finishing the eight-year project of our "Sunset Magazine" backyard and hosting a party for all the friends and family that have been important to us over the past two years...kind of like being able to go to your own wake and be there with all your friends.

That finally came to pass last Saturday evening.  We hosted a gathering of about 50 people from 3 to 73 in our backyard/patio.  I got a chance to celebrate being two years Cancer-free, the fact that I got to have another birthday (63), and that I finally finished a project that took all my weekends for years (except in 2008 when I could barely walk and had no energy)...and the best part: I got to acknowledge two people that literally kept me going, even in my darkest days.

One is my sister who sent me a great greeting card, with love spilling out,  EVERY DAY for months when I was going through radiation and chemo and was too weak to even sip water.  Not just occasionally, not just once a week, but every day (usually got 2 on Monday because the post office was closed on Sunday).  I saved them all.

The other person is my very best friend, companion and wife, Lise.  We took the occasion to renew our wedding vows, as our 15th wedding anniversary was also about 10 days ago.  I am sure it was tough on her going through my dark 2008 treatment and recovery, as it always is on caregivers.  We emphasized, in our exchange of "words," the reality and importance of commitment in "sickness and in health" with our closest friends and family. We, as it is with most people, had no idea what that meant the first time we shared those words.  Fifteen years ago, I was a single parent with three young boys, and this time my grown sons (and grandson) and our twelve-year-old daughter were there with my sister, brother-in-law and nieces, as well as many friends.

I got the rare privilege to tell everyone, all at once, how important they are in my life and to share three things I learned going through my health challenges:

1. "Be careful what you wish for and be specific when you do."  In early 2008 I wished I could lose that last 5 lbs and spend more time in my "castle."  Then I got diagnosed with Cancer - lost 35 lbs and was trapped in my "dungeon" for half a year...not what I had in mind at all.

2.  A quote from poet Carl Sandburg: "Time is the coin of your life.  It is the only coin you will ever have.  Spend it wisely, lest other people spend it for you."

3.  "The most important things in life...aren't THINGS."  Art Buchwald


The entire evening was a most satisfying moment.  Just about everyone we care about was there.  I got to say thank you and acknowledge their value in my life and re-commit my love and friendship with my best friend and wife in their presence.

I hope to live many more years (in health and strength) and enjoy all that a long satisfying life has to offer, but that evening completed my "bucket list."  All the rest of my days are icing on the cake. 

Song of the Day - My Best Days Are Ahead of Me - Danny Gokey