DAY 1255 - Day 1013 in Recovery Paradise

Wow - made it 1000+ days; so far so good.  I still haven't wrapped my arms completely around the concept of spending my extra gift of time as wisely as I could.  The down side of eternal optimism is that sometimes one has a tendency to deny reality and as a result, one doesn't plan accordingly.  


However, I think I am easing, somewhat into a workable combination of optimism (maybe not so eternal anymore) while also embracing the reality of more sand in the bottom of the hourglass than in the top and an inevitable body parts melt-down and of course the 'can't ignore it so much anymore' aging.  The bad news is that I can't do all the things I used to do (mostly can, but pay the price with aches and pains later), but the good news is that I can still do all the things I want to do.


My Blog from 2008 about this time.  


We had just returned from a week's vacation in Vancouver, thinking it might possibly be my last family excursion and I had gone in for my first full-body scan with a radioactive injection to determine the extent and spread of the cancer.  Father's Day 2008 was pending and life was uncertain (isn't it always?).

"Yet another reason I am a lucky guy. I am blessed with 4 great kids. 3 sons, age 24, 22 and 20 and a daughter age 9. The boys are all out on on their own and my oldest has his own celebration today with my grandson. The "little family" my wife and daughter and myself - went bowling to see if we can bend over without dropping the bowling ball....Father's day tradition...heard from all the boys. Life is good."


1013 days later: I am still that same lucky guy - but more so.  Grandsons, college graduates, bass guitar performance, flying, white-water rafting, great travel, and certainly much more appreciation of all the small things that ultimately are really the BIG things.  Family, love, stronger relationships, sunrises, and a deeper self awareness (that is the most difficult one of all).  Life is good.


rlw

DAY 1237 - Day 995 in Recovery Paradise

CANCER is an overwhelmingly fearsome and ugly enemy.

I have found that my mind can choose to play offense or defense in this unasked-for battle.  I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer in 2008.  Since I got my unwilling turn in the arena with this formidable (but, not unbeatable) giant, I have become a far more positive–minded person than I could have ever imagined. 

That said, I have not yet discovered anything that keeps the blues, worry, depression and fears of life totally away - it is more in the category of 'manageable'. I have tried them all (maybe some twice) – back in 1970, it might have been grouped under sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.  In 2011 it is closer to hugs, a half-glass of wine and rock-n-roll (some things remain constant – ha).

For a big and current instance - my throat got really sore yesterday in the exact same spot where I first discovered my tonsil cancer.  This was just out of the blue.  Interesting side note: In 2008, three years ago, when I was first diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer, we had just won a charity auction for a resort week in Vancouver, Canada.  I delayed starting my treatment to go on the trip. I was figuring it might be my last chance to do so (you know the 40% survival crap they feed you).

Fast forward three years – last week, we won the exact same resort vacation week at the 2011 charity auction (Orlando, Fla. next year) and I had all these flashbacks to 2008 and hunted up and re-read some of my early blogs – ‘Another Day in Paradise’.  I woke up yesterday with the same pain, in the same spot, in my throat as before.  I couldn’t even swallow water without grimacing. I have to honestly say that worry was creeping under the door, like an ominous, intimidating, eerie fog in a bad B movie, again.

Once treated, hopefully, we can live for another fifty years, but the worry never really goes away.  It is the wolf outside our door.  I can ease the daily worry of the wolf by building my mental house of bricks, but when I allow myself to think about it, even for a minute, my mind is capable of imagining that the damn monster is still sitting out there in the shadows, just beyond the gate.

So, I played my custom, motivational music CD.  I watched my new YouTube video of me finally learning how to play electric bass after fifty years and then actually playing in public with a couple of friends at the local pizza parlor. I read and re-read my best motivational books.  In addition to the world not ending on May 21, 2011 as predicted, today I am back to good as it gets - no soreness and no symptoms (I am drinking a cold one as I write to celebrate the very unappreciated miracle of being able to swallow without fears and tears). 

Our mind is an awesome and powerful tool. I figure that if nothing is really wrong, but involuntarily (at least sub-consciously) my mind can imagine that it something is, I must, conversely, have the same power to consciously invoke my mind to imagine that nothing is wrong, when I have a tendency to think that it might be. I feel that there will be time enough to deal with the real if (not when) it happens.

Depression and worry is an ugly and dark maze we conjure for ourselves.  We each have to find our own light to discover the way out of this maze or we will be consumed by it.  Life holds enough real issues to worry about without us adding to it with our over-active imaginations pitching in to help do the Devil's handiwork.

When I was trying to pull myself out of self pity, worry and depression following radiation and chemo treatment, I placed my borrowed motivational thoughts on 3 x 5 cards and posted them everywhere (literally – not figuratively), in every room of the house, on all the mirrors, the outside and inside of the cabinets, my sock drawer, next to the toothpaste, in the cars, even inside the refrigerator, ha.

Have you seen those commercials about how to go about learning a foreign language and so you put the Spanish word for everything on post-it notes throughout your house?  For me, it was akin to hanging garlic everywhere to ward off the vampires from the dark regions of my thoughts.  I highlighted certain positive words and phrases with a yellow marker (live forever, dream, win, perseverance, courage, defiance, success, 'every day is a gift', friends, love, appreciation, power, control. gratitude, etc.).

Sometimes, I would be near tears, because I was not in control of my life and things were happening to me I seemingly could not fix.  I would shuffle over to the nearest 3 x 5 card and read it as best I could (my eyesight was very messed up during radiation - normal for me is 20/1250 in each eye with high power trifocals; so I was half-way to blind already..ha).  

I would repeat it over and over (mentally only, as my mouth was so dry and my tongue was so sore I couldn't speak).  For those few seconds and minutes, I discovered I wasn't wallowing in self-pity.  I was not “THINKING” about my situation. I stepped it up and for me, it was a Godsend for a Type A personality control fanatic that was not in control. 

I had discovered that there finally was something I could proactively do to exert positive control over the out-of-control negative experience of Cancer and the ensuing kick-my-butt, but necessary, chemo and radiation treatment.  

Did it work all the time, 24-7? NO.  My mind-over-matter plan became increasingly powerful, but it was not invincible. On a really good day in the beginning, maybe 50% of my waking hours, I could successfully stave off the demons.  Because I couldn't sleep - I had a lot of waking hours, far more than I wanted. For me, it was far better to get up and do something, anything, rather than lie there, letting the hob-goblins into my thoughts, while everyone around me was sleeping like an innocent.

I liken the experience of proactive, positive motivation as a defense to hold off the enemies of your biggest battle until (for you old folks) John Wayne rides up (or for you younger folks) Gandalf on a white stallion, with ‘Thank God, they are here’ reinforcements.  We do what we have to do to, just to keep the enemy from coming over the walls and breaching our last barely defensible mental position. 

I had thought I was an Iron Man for going to the end of Cancer treatment without a feeding tube and still be able to sip soup and water and walk by myself to the bathroom.  Several trips to the emergency room and a four day hospital stay later after not being able to eat or swallow water for a week, I often felt that I was a beaten man.

My personal Goliath was not seemingly affected by my little sling full of motivational stones, but I kept at it, as it was the only weapon I had.  As I am not an overly religious man and any conversation with God to ask for divine intervention would have to have first been prefaced with a request for a explanation of why I got this damn Cancer in the first place.   My take-away from my early experience with the Bible had always been ‘God helps those who first help themselves’ and I always have had an inherent personal disapproval of being a whiner.

Finally, the day arrived when I was felt I just a tiny bit better than I was the day before.  Albeit, it was about two months after treatment ended.  That was the day for me that John Wayne and Gandalf and my reinforcements arrived with a little bugle blowing faintly in the wind.

My iPod with my positive, or at least, and my “you are not alone – I CAN relate to it" music was one of my new best friends. ‘Help’, by the Beatles was good for that.  Who knew that John wrote that for me?  I heard it at least a thousand times before I finally listened to it and have it touch me.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

While the whole song isn’t compatible with cancer survivor circumstances, how about  ‘Yesterday’, also, by the Beatles…

Yesterday, 
All my troubles seemed so far away, 
Now it looks as though they're here to stay, 
Oh, I believe in yesterday. 

Suddenly, 
I'm not half the man I used to be, 
There's a shadow hanging over me, 
Oh, yesterday came suddenly....

Zig Ziglar, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Roosevelt, Dale Carnegie, William Earnest Henly, Winston Churchill, John Lennon,Yoda, Hunter S. Thompson, Charles Bukowski and my favorite, ‘Anonymous’, became my newest and wisest best friends.  Their inspiration was there for me in ways I couldn't have imagined.

Has battling Cancer changed me forever?  I would say, Yes.  Will I still experience worry and doubt?  I have to say, Yes.  Will I find courage in having discovered my sword of positive motivation, forged in the midst of battle, from inspirational words of steel?  I say, Yes.  Will I succumb to future opportunities to experience depression and tears?  I hope not.

Should I ever pat myself on the back because of my new found strength and even begin to imply that I discovered this powerful mental ally to keep the demons at bay? 

I have friends that, as they have had more conversations with God than I have, would probably say  “You know Bob, because you did choose to help yourself, therefore, is it possible that God……..?”

rlw

DAY 1232 - Day 990 in Recovery Paradise

Living the dream

Old dogs can learn new tricks

I belong to an international Tonsil Cancer forum and we support each other through our posts and emails.  A caregiver in our group posted concerns about the possibility of the Cancer returning to her husband's lymph nodes and the worry they share that accompanies that fear...  My shared thoughts:

Damn those lumps.  That is a tough one.  All of us, caregivers and care receivers alike, are constantly tested on our abilities to stay positive and our strength to harbor hope.

Since tomorrow, May 21, 2011, is proclaimed by some to be the "End of Days" this may be my last post - so I thought I would ramble a bit with my observations.  If we are still here in 48 hours, my profound apologies for taking up so many pixels on this forum.....

My two-cents worth would be to fill the mind to overflowing with positive thoughts daily.  Have him start a diary or blog and fill it daily with "half-full" vs. "half empty" thoughts and his personal 'Gratitudes'.  There are many, many, many things for all of us to be grateful for: our family, our ability to love and be loved, our small, but important accomplishments, our impact on earth, our personal legacy and yet another Sunrise each day…a daily miracle,  to add to our life experience.  Overfill the mind and imagination with the positive YOU CHOOSE to put into it and there will be little room left over for anything else.  

This is a never-ending process that should be used forever 'til the end of our days. Someday, far-far into the future, it will be our last day.  That day, while inevitable, is not written by a predetermined fate or in stone. Our attitudes can make that day closer or farther away (…if we are not here anymore after tomorrow - I was wrong, but just in case...).  

Become at peace with yourself and who you love and WHAT you did with the TIME that God gave you and WHO you became as a result of your thoughts and actions, not where you went and places you saw. Start today, it is never too late. There is still plenty of time to maximize the value of our remaining hours.  Read the news - how many famous people will be remembered forever by their last poorly chosen acts, not the wonderful deeds they accomplished before.  I believe the reverse is also true.  I have not always made good choices in my earlier years; however, if my remaining days are full of positive choices, I hope to be remembered that way.

Everyone works at this task differently.  I love to collect quotes that fill my mind with hope and fill my imagination with who I still might still become and the impact I can still have on others, as my legacy.

Look at all the great literature, music and quotes that have sustained the masses for eons.  Many are authored by "Anonymous'.  That is easily any one of us.  We don't have to write the Bible, the great novel or become the Beethoven of our era.  One person we loved and showed them through our actions or one thought or gesture we shared that positively impacts someone who lives beyond us is infinitely more valuable than the experience of seeing the Alps, Taj Mahal or the Golden Gate Bridge from the window of a speeding tour bus.

On Christmas day, 2010, I started a new daily blog for me that, although I share it with those I love, it is mostly for me:  SUNRISE and TIME.   Some times I ramble, but mostly I post a just few quotes about the use of the TIME given us. That is what I choose to put into my head each day.  A lot of the quotes I post are from people that are long since dead.  Do they live on in my posts?  Is my life richer by reading, internalizing, applying and sharing their thoughts and observations?  

Some quotes are famous, some are not.  They all have a thread that we all share.  How valuable is our time?  Long or short, how do we choose to invest it and use the hours we were given.  Centuries ago, human beings were dealing with the same crisis of how they used the time given them and how much of that illusive gift of TIME they might have left.  Nothing has changed, other than we are richer for the thoughts they left behind.

When that final day comes for me, my hope is that I will accept the moment, regretting little, knowing I have loved much, lived well and hopefully, positively impacted a few.

Is life unlike a relay race of our time through eternity?  At the end, weary and spent, regardless of the sound of the crowd, I have to ask myself:   Did I run my leg of the race well?  Did I use my head, my experience, my strength and my heart to do all that I could?  Did my 64 seconds count?  Did I let my teammates down?  Will my effort be remembered in a positive way? 

Would it be beneficial to the final results for me to conjure up all that I could be from the inner depths of my being and give it my all to have a final, fantastic spurt of energy at the end of my leg of the race? Did I give my teammates an advantage in their start?  Did I pass the baton so smoothly that their results will harbor a small part of me? 

My 64 years in this race across eternity is so insignificant in the vastness of time that it will not be even recognizable in the broad picture…but, if my team does well, I will have contributed and that is what really counts.  If I stumbled, fell and lay sprawling in the blood and dust; did I lie there feeling sorry for myself, giving up, cursing that fate had cheated me, impossibly begging to start over or did I pick myself up and recommit myself all the while, running in the middle of the race, to become the winner I was capable of and provide inspiration to those that yet, had their legs of the race to run?

One of the quotes I especially like is "We don't fear dying as much as we fear not being remembered."

Not everyone is a Christian by chosen faith, but here is a Christian version that probably resonates within all of us:

"Everyone wants a shot to fame don’t we? That’s because we think that’s how to be remembered for the longest time. Yes, that can be true, but how long is long? About a hundred years? Two? Maybe a thousand or two? People know a handful of guys from three thousand years ago. How is that compared to eternity? It is but a short strand compared to an endless highway.

The fear of oblivion can only be present when you know you will be forgotten. If you are assured that you will be remembered, the fear will not exist. In my case, I do not fear it. In this world, my fame might not spread and I don’t need it to because everything in this world will fade away. In other words, everything this world holds is subject to oblivion. What I’m concerned about is if the eternal being – God, will remember me. If God remembers me then I am satisfied and my fear of being forgotten has been buried."  Personal strength can come from many sources.  This particular quote comes from "God and You."  

I also enjoy reading Hunter S. Thompson:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!" 
— Hunter S. Thompson

and Charles Bukowski.

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." 
— Charles Bukowski

Atheists and religious believers alike face the same challenges.  "Perception is reality." Our truth is merely what we choose to BELIEVE what is true.  

No one can live for you and no one can die for you.  We travel that journey alone.  We put into our heads the information and experiences that form our beliefs by choice.  Choose well.  You are loved.

Damn those damn lumps.

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way." 
— Charles Bukowski

DAY 1221 - Day 979 in Recovery Paradise

May 11, 2011  Bob/Sarah

Early 2008, we were the high bidder at a Camellia Symphony fundraising auction for a week's vacation with World Mark Resorts.  We decided to go to Vancouver and Victoria Island, Canada for a week in June, 2008.  Just before we left, on May 28, 2008, I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer and I postponed treatment to go on on the planned vacation, figuring it might be my last. 

May 11, 2011 Bob/Lise

Fast forward to May, 2011.  Same fundraising auction, same opportunity.  The week vacation trip of our choice was on the silent auction block.  Our strategy was to wait until the last minute (actually last 30 seconds) and bid it up by $5.   Sarah did the honors, finishing up with 1 second left with the previous high bidder jumping up and down behind her... chagrined to be outbid and out-strategized by a twelve year-old girl.  We are narrowing it down to Florida, Mexico, Hawaii or Canada...all tough choices, but at 50% off - not a bad deal.  

So, three years later, I am still kicking and planning another vacation.  Have had a ball the past three years and plan to keep it until there is no keeping up.

Nancy Loeffler sent me this link today, thinking of me and my renewed sense of the value of time.  A perfect match for how all of us should think and act forward.  

Should be required reading.  Thanks Nancy.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

Robert L. Welton

What I thought when my plane crashed - CNN.com*

DAY 1111 - Day 869 inRecovery Paradise

As I followed the dark Cancer path lit by others ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN (DAY 1111) days ago, I have been honored by a fellow struggler, with his first foot on that same path, acknowledging the candles I left behind, as I moved towards the sunrise of a reclaimed life.

SUNRISE

I got this email today.

Hello Robert-

...been reading through your blog as I'm about to launch into the same treatment route you have described so lucidly, forewarned is forearmed!  We share a number of things in common, left tonsil cancer....left lymph node cancer, atrial fibrillation.....so your expose has been more than valuable, knowledge dispels fear. I start on chemo this Wed then another session 3 weeks later followed by 6 weeks of 5 days radio therapy - my diagnosis was confirmed on 10 Jan after an exploratory biopsy on 3 Jan.  Like yourself I am surrounded by professional medics in London and a good support group so I walk forward optimistic about my ability to see this through. What I do not easily appreciate is the extent to which the throat becomes an impediment - I will take the PEG route which I see you advocate.  I am up to day 64 of your blog and would just like to say thanks for having taken the trouble to write it up, it has been invaluable to my wife and I.  I am age 64 and have spent most of my life traveling the world - now semi retired living in Epping Forest close to London.

best regards, and thanks again

xxx

.......my return email - 

Thanks.  Writing was a good way for me to stay focused on the solution ahead.  Each day that I wrote about feeling a bit worse than the day before, I knew I had not hit bottom.  I remember the day 64 well.  I just about broke my butt falling down the stairs in the dark about then.  It actually took my mind off the big picture...ha.  When there was three days in a row where I blogged about feeling a bit better than the days before - signaled I had bottomed out and was starting a new climb out of the dark. 

Surround yourself with positive motivation and maintain your sense of humor and what you are grateful for.  Even with all this, you are so much better off than tons of people around the world;  memories of a well-lived life, travel, the means to secure treatment, a support system... think of entire families that were born, lived and died in the train station in New Delhi - living on a cardboard mat, etc.

Your appreciation of your "second turn"  will be magnificent.  The depths you go in your treatment and recovery is just an indication of how high you will go when you pop out the other side of the rainbow.

I am now at DAY 1111 (how cool is that - thanks for your email - you have inspired me to post again in a minute to commemorate the 1111 day) and Day 869 in Recovery Paradise. 

Still a bit of a dry throat (I think I will get to keep that forever as a slight reminder of my experience)...but all in all I have 100% of my strength back and 99.9% of my ability to eat anything.

Life is good (actually better, as my level of appreciation for the little things has accelerated) and it will be for you too.  This experience was actually a GIFT for me and I hope it will be for you too.  At my age, I have experienced the quantity and now I am experiencing a quality and gratitude level that is very different than I have had in the past.  I have traveled all around the world and didn't appreciate the places and things I saw and did as much as getting to watch yet another Sunrise, listening to my daughter play the cello tonight or noticing my wife's look, with love in her eyes.  I am a very lucky man.  I got a second turn.

I am glad my recounted posts are a help.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It is the sun rising on a fantastic second part of your life.  Stay positive.  Remember always, at your darkest hour, you are still more fortunate than many, who would trade with you in a heartbeat.  You have a great life ahead of you.

Note: I loved traveling to London.  I could haunt the old bookstores and pubs forever.  That is where I secured my leather-bound Dickens and Original Strand Magazines with the Arthur Conan Doyle stories.

" For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way.  Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.  Then life would begin.  At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life". 

 ~Fr. Alfred D'Souz

Bob/CA

DAY 1089 - Day 847 in Recovery Paradise

It is true that circumstances occur in each of our lives that we would not have chosen and cannot control. Cancer, accidents, weather, the economy, taxes, or the passing of a loved one, are all pretty much beyond our ability to personally control. We do, however, have a great deal of control over how we allow these uncontrollable events to impact our precious remaining TIME and of the duration of the moments in which we allow external events to affect us.

William Ernest Henley (Invictus)

"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with Punishments the Scroll.
I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul.

Some of us walk out of a doctor’s office with the crushing, matter-of-fact, very cold and clinical words: “You have Cancer” echoing in our heads. We just got elected to a very exclusive club you wouldn’t wish upon anyone. 

Just as not everyone died in the internment camps in WWII, not everyone dies of Cancer. The odds are that the ones in those camps that successfully fought off the foreboding negative circumstance stood a better chance of survival than those that gave up and discarded hope. Being diagnosed with Cancer is no different. The greatest medicine you can treat yourself with is the proactive positive use of your mind. 

Everyone will die.  A fellow Cancer warrior inspired me with "I choose to beat Cancer and live long enough to die of something else".


Regardless of the length of time or circumstance, we should live our life with well-crafted intent. We should intend to be happy and satisfied. We should readjust our goals daily. We need to constantly fine tune our goals and plans to get that 'radio dial signal' of control to be just right. All musical instruments need to be regularly tuned to keep the sound the way it was intended. We should re-tune our direction daily to be the instrument for which we were intended.

TerriH

“So often we allow life to dictate to us how we live and what we do. We become a victim of our own circumstances with no purpose, design or intent. Living a life of intent means we take charge of our lives and direct ourselves to whom and where we want to be. Intent won't just happen it takes effort and commitment.”

Every golden moment of every given day has its value. How we decide to live that moment is truly ours, regardless of the circumstance of environment around us. 

Great musical works of art were created by Jewish composers while interred in concentration camps during WWII, while others around them lived their days in dark despair. The common man would never wish these conditions upon another human being,  however,  the unconscionable environment was the same for both. The deciding factor was one of human choice, living by intent, exerting personal control over seemingly uncontrollable circumstances.

Robert Frost

The Road not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

Sometimes a seemingly impenetrable roadblock like Cancer will appear in your chosen path. Accept the detour. Denial of truth does not change the truth.  Truth, by the way,  is only what we perceive it to be. Perceive this new truth as nothing more than an unplanned detour in your intended path. Make it your new path by choice, not by denial or submission. Enjoy the scenery along the new way. Acceptance and awareness and appreciation of the unappreciated ‘things’ you do have can be your gift, the silver lining in the cloud of Cancer. Focusing on what you don’t have at this point in your life will not make the circumstance disappear. You may discover that waiting for you on the other side of treatment is a life full of a renewed appreciation for the moments you do have.

When we embrace the fact that the most important "things' in our life are not really not things at all, we can then fully appreciate the daily gifts that are around us. Control the things you can. The number of them is staggering. The things we cannot control are few.

With reverence and apologies to the "Serenity Prayer", I offer an updated version sent to me by a friend...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the one thing I can;
and the wisdom to know it's me.

Seek out the positive parts of your new path. Open your eyes to your new reality. Engage with the value of the new path. Check out the positive scenery that was probably there all along. On every roller coaster there are people crying in fear, sobbing "Make it stop". Seated next to them are people on the same ride with their arms thrust high in the air, whooping it up, having a pretty good time.


The path of life after being diagnosed with Cancer is a very scary ride. I am on it to the end. There is no getting off this path for any of us, with or without illness, until it comes to a full stop, seat backs up and the tray table folded into the seat in front of you. Then, and only then, do you get to unbuckle your seat belt and depart the ride.

Although my ride has unexpected and unasked for heights, drops and loops, I still have two choices. I have the choice to bury my head in my hands and cry "why me" or I can seek to find peace and pleasure in the view that has all the twists and turns while I still can. 

After all, we all only get one turn on this ride.

DAY 1065 - Day 823 in Recovery Paradise

Elizabeth Edwards (1949-2010) was an advocate for staying strong while living with cancer.  She lived with stage 4 cancer for quite awhile.  This warrior in the cancer crusades lost the battle,  but made an indelible mark on the rest of the world with her actions and her words.  Her last Facebook post was:

The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human," she wrote.

"But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know."

For all of us, the game of life will have an end.  How we choose to live our days, hours, minutes; the impact we have on others, those that will carry our torch after we are no longer in the race; this will be our legacy.  It is hard enough to be strong and a shining example in the best of times.  How we choose to face our challenges and lead our lives in the worst of times will surely define who we really are and how we will be remembered.

I participated in a forum that is building  a Q & A checklist for the unfortunate souls yet to be diagnosed with Oral/Tonsil/Throat, etc. Cancer.  My contribution to the group was:

*Get all your dental work done before your face and jaw are radiated. I have the special custom made dental trays and fluoride paste.  I use it every night and will forever, as a result of the head & neck radiation. The bone structure is weakened and you want to avoid having any major dental work, post radiation,  if you can.

* Bulk up in weight while you can.  You need to have something extra to lose, because you will lose weight.  I added ten pounds and lost thirty-five.  You won't be able to eat again until much later so enjoy butter and cream on everything until it starts to taste like moldy cardboard.

*Seriously consider having a "peg"  feeding tube installed (a long plastic tube sticking out of your stomach so you can take protein and liquids on a gravity fed system when you can no longer swallow - not even water).  I thought I was a tough guy and got all the way through treatment - and then landed in the hospital the week after treatment ended to get hydrated and have the tube installed - Hated it .  Immensely!  But it saved my life.

*Maintain a light regimen of exercise, walking, stretching, anything - it is as good for your mind and it is for your body.  You will get weak and for me I was reduced to the pitiful shuffle of a 90 year old man.  Having been in sports in high school and college, I wasn't used to not being able to walk across the room.  I was a whiner about the exercise, so instruct your spouse, friend, caregiver, to be unrelenting on the encouragement to get a bit of exercise in daily.  You will be better off for it.

*Surround yourself with positive motivation, whether it is positive quotes, music, relationships, prayer, etc.  Develop a powerful, positive Mantra.  I used mine ( I WILL beat this cancer, I WILL beat this cancer, I WILL beat this cancer ) with a custom CD with 5 three minute songs during the 35 fifteen minute rads to fight the claustrophobia and "why me's".  To insure precise targeted doses of the radiation you are fitted with a custom face mask that bolts to the table and your body is strapped down to the table before they slide you into the radiation tube.  I used to ask my radiation techs if they charged extra to the S & M patients. Very claustrophobic.

*Start a blog or diary.  Sometimes this will be the only way you can communicate.  My throat was so dry and I also couldn't swallow - even if I could, it was too painful.  Writing in my blog solved the communication problem.  I remember friends calling to check up on me and having to hang up because I couldn't get any sound to come out.

 *Make a Gratitude List of all the good things you are thankful for and the experiences you have had in your life.  DO NOT write a bucket list (until you recover).  Do not focus for one second on what you don't have or didn't do.  The size of the good-things-I-am- thankful-for Gratitude List will surprise you.  It will be much longer than you thought possible.  Make copies. post one in every room of your home and put a copy in your wallet.  Read it every day. Read it again.

*Radiation and chemo (perhaps surgery) Treatment is awful, but it is necessary to survive. I also hated going to the dentist my whole life,  but I did it because I wanted to keep my  teeth.  I hated going through rads and chemo, but I did it because I wanted to keep my life.  Treatment is just a job,  A dirty, nasty, unforgiving job.  Do the job.  Get it over with. Move on with your life, a better life for the number of days you do have .  Now you can write your bucket list.  I was lucky.  I have had the good fortune to live a fantastic and exciting life.  My list only had four things on it.

1.  Tell everyone how important they are, how much you love them and mend ALL your bridges. It is a shame that I had to get cancer to figure this one out. * I threw a party a week after I got my two-year, cancer free, diagnosis,  with over 50 people in attendance to celebrate my relationship with them - family, friends, and co-workers.  It was fantastic. I loved it- they loved it. Very fulfilling.

2.  I wanted to write and be published...and here we are on the world wide web.  I have feedback and emails from people from all over the world after reading my cancer blog.

3.  I always wanted to play in a rock band.  On my 63rd birthday (three months ago) I started taking music lessons on my new Fender electric bass. It is really a thirty year old NEW electric bass.  I bought it NEW thirty years ago in a momentary lapse of judgment in a fleeting mid-life crisis, recovered,  and promptly put it in the closet.  I rediscovered it, wiped off the dust and bought an amp. 

Sometime next year, my guitar teacher is grabbing some of his friends and is putting a band together for me, one night only,  playing the only three songs I know how to play, at a pizza parlor with a stage...open invitation to my friends. 

Then I can hang up the guitar - or sell it on eBay or God willing, live long enough to really learn how to play that thing and get into a real band.  All classic rock, country and blues of course.

Note: I am growing a beard and stopped cutting my hair - because I can (which is amazing because I lost all my hair during chemo and I thought it would never come back) to accentuate my new found Rock Star image.

4. Leave a legacy to be proud of.  I am compiling a print version and DVD version of my life stories, excerpts from my blogs and my new found deep appreciation for all those that are important to me.  I finished my will.  I have provisions for my wife and four children and my new grand children.  I intend to live a full twenty years more....but, just in case.

Long after the cars and bank account and things are gone, how you will be remembered, will be your legacy. 

I love these quotes:

"What we are is God's gift to us.  What we become is our gift to God. " ~Eleanor Powell

"It is never too late to be who you might have been." ~ George Eliot