DAY 2041 - Day 1808 in Recovery Paradise

Well, here we finally are - big DAY tomorrow.

9:45 am - meet with Doctor Mathew, my ENT Cancer doctor that made the onerous diagnosis five very long (and yet, sometimes very short) years ago - "You have Tonsil Cancer".

This appointment is supposed to be my last one, EVER.  It is said that if you make it five years you are classified as a 'Survivor' and you get a new life - a 'do-over' if you will.

There will be no more x-rays, CT-scans, invasive throat diagnostics, emergency room visits, dry-heaves with razors in your throat, lost hair (ha - like that matters now), sleeping the only way you can  - sitting up-, feeding tubes, blah, blah - related to this Tonsil Cancer diagnosis.

Something else may be lurking around the corner, but tomorrow I will officially be done with this one.

Took a break from my bass guitar for the past few months, as we are prepping our home for sale, but as things settle down in the day to day - am looking forward to picking it up again...here is the last song I learned - will be good to pick it up where I left off....ROCK ON.


Billy Squire - Everybody Wants You

rlw

DAY 1578 - Day 1345 in Recovery Paradise

Well, here we are just about 4 years to the date I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer.  I often mentor others coming down that hellacious treatment path and remark how good life is (period) on the other side.

I wouldn't be sitting here doing this had I not chosen to take the radiation/chemo treatments.  It helped that I didn't know what the Hell I was getting myself into...but definitely am grateful for the results.

Last week I gave a 90 day notice to my job, that I am going to retire and also go to 3 working days a week until then.  Four day weekends - to try out the retirement thing...my sister says the water is just fine...JUMP!

Wow... what an interesting ride the last 1578 days have been with 1345 new sunrises and sunsets as a bonus...

rlw

Day 1 - Another Day in Paradise

Thursday May 29, 2008

Saw a Head and Neck Specialist in Roseville. Got to hear the "C" word for the first time. Said that it was on my left tonsil and had apparently spread to my left lymph node. Wanted to do biopsy to be sure. Found out the hard way I was allergic to ephinefrin (sudafed) mixed with thelidocaine and blacked out and off to the emergency room to get blood pressure and heart rate normal. Bad headache followed - and did not get the biopsy done - told them they should have done it while I was out...Ha. Have to come back tomorrow and do it again with a different specialist nearer to me.

DAY 1499 - Day 1266 in Recovery Paradise

New to some - a duplicate to others - I posted this sentiment on another one of my blogs today, but felt it was perfect for this one too.


Let every day be yet another small marker on the joy of being on earth.   Last year I blogged every day (365) about the importance of TIME.  Lots of views, but really it was for me; to remind myself and reflect on my good fortune, EVERY day.             SUNRISE & TIME

This year I am blogging every day about GRATITUDE and thankfulness. GRATITUDE- a little goes a long way   Although my life is back to "normal", we all know it will never be the same again - we CAN choose to make it even better. The most disrespectful thing I can do with life is to take my recovery for granted. Some don't get the chance.

As with any relationship, (God, spouse, friend, or more importantly - ourselves) to be truly successful, we need to work on it everyday.  I end everyday (before I fall asleep - dark - everyone sleeping - just alone with myself) reviewing all the great experiences I  had that day and what I am thankful for and conversely, start everyday, upon awakening (dark - no eyes open yet) reinforcing my continuing victory over Cancer and how lucky and thankful I am to have one more day and what one special thing I am going to do with that time today.

Sounds odd, but I truly believe my experience with Tonsil Cancer, is the most positive, life changing experience I have ever had.  Often, God's most important lessons come with a baseball bat, for those of us that that just don't get it any other easier way.  It seems that Tonsil Cancer is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and is is also the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I choose not to be the victim.  I choose to be the winner.  It is the Yin Yang of life.  If Cancer is the Dragon - I choose to be the Tiger.


RLW

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DAY 1433 - Day 1191 in Paradise

Well, here we are in a new year (2012) with new resolutions and resolve to move our lives in a more productive direction.  The advantage of being diagnosed with Cancer, is that, if one is lucky that should be the wake-up call to embrace your resolution list, as if there is no next year.  I heard that news one thousand, four hundred and thirty-three days ago.  I successfully (so far, so good) competed hellish nightmare of radiation and chemo treatment to gain more time.  To be exact, I have gained one thousand, one hundred and ninety-one more 24 hour days.  How often would I have thought about that under "normal" conditions?


It is truly amazing how much one can accomplish when almost all the sand is gone in the hourglass.  Time becomes more precious and hopefully on becomes a better judge of how that time should be spent.


Although I still have a couple of years left to reach official retirement, my mind says "now is a good time to start practicing".  I moved to part-time status at my work and embraced the 4-day work week.  I am picking up speed on accomplishing more  things on my "B"list...as I have successfully beaten the clock and accomplished everything on my shorter "A" list.


I resolved to create a blog about the value of time and post it daily for a year.  I started it on Christmas day 2010 and logged my final post on Christmas Eve 2011.  Whereas, some people have read it off the net and I have force-fed members of my family, (I did get 3443 views over the year) the greatest value was what I personally received by creating it.  I thought long and hard about time, what mine means to me and what would be the best use of the unknown quantity I have left.


Isn't it sad that people put more thought, desire for success, energy, conviction, creativity and resolve into planning their seven day vacation than they do for their life as a whole?  Seems a bit odd, don't you think?  When you know you are going to only get one vacation this year...think of all the planning we put into it to make it the best ever...but not our life.


We would be abhorred at the thought of flying to Paris, Rio or Cancun and sitting in our hotel room, watching TV, until the return flight was taxiing down the runway.  Wouldn't we want to cram all the excitement and joy into those days as we could? Why not our life?


It is because we think we have plenty of time and it won't run out.  We get just the one turn, unless you get a wake-up call, as I did, re: one's own mortality and take a peak at your life clock clicking away whether you like it or not and whether you do anything with your minutes or not. 


Every day, people pass away unexpectedly (meaning we all probably expect to die, but not just yet).  Who wouldn't choose being diagnosed with Cancer vs. being hit with a bus?  One has a lot more time and opportunity to get it right, to be the person you should be, and build your legacy for family and friends.


I an luck and I am grateful.  I started a new blog on Christmas Day    http://gratitude-alittlegoesalongway.blogspot.com/    (as a present to myself and to my family) to succeed the blog about the value of time and replace it with another daily blog about Gratitude and what I am thankful for.  Very powerful to FOCUS on that EVERY day.  It is like winning the lottery everyday...we are all very rich in the important things which, of course, are not things at all, are they?


rlw




SPIRIT IN THE SKY   -  Another Day in Paradise band

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 “A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.” - Unknown

DAY 1351 - Day 1109 in Recovery Paradise

'Another Day in Paradise' band

So, I've been thinking lately...until I was confronted with the diagnosis of Tonsil Cancer, I, like most people, subconsciously thought I had all the time in the world to get around to a multitude of projects, places to go and things to do, that we all have jumbled up in that personal bag we all carry around.

When I was facing the inverted hourglass of my life and I noticed there was more sand in the bottom than in the top and was reminded of a favorite quote of mine:

"As you get older, don't slow down.  Speed up, as there is less time left."

Then, I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer.  Emerging from chemo/radiation/feeding tube six months of Hell later, I finally had that long put-off conversation with myself about what I was going to do with my extra gift of TIME.  Well, I did the whitewater rafting trip (awesome).  Then I went skydiving (albeit, indoors in a wind tunnel...but I was off the ground about 15' with no strings attached)...... so I started thinking that perhaps even at 63 I am not really too old to learn how to actually play that 30 year old Fender Bass (previous mid-life crisis toy - 30 years ago) gathering dust in the closet on top of my 'get around to it someday box-of-great-ideas".  I didn't even have a hook-up cord or an amp...basic components of an electric guitar.

I filled in the blanks necessary to have a plucked string actually have sound come out of a plugged-in box.  I started lessons with a former rock-n-roll band guy, now turned teacher in a music school.

Fast forward one year.  I have learned about ten old rock-n-roll songs and experienced the humiliating depths of despair playing live in  a duo for (thank God) a small audience and screwing up four songs in a row, getting progressively worse with each new song.  The show must go on.  You can't stop and start over.  You just keep playing along, trying to find your way back to the notes you are 'supposed' to be playing, wishing God or 'Calgon' would take you away...right after you sold that damn guitar on eBay for a dollar.  That was my experience two weeks ago.  When you 'die' on stage, that is a fairly descriptive term.

But, as in other parts of your life, often the depths of despair are replaced with the heights of joy, only found in the suburbs of Heaven.

I was graced with that experience Saturday night...grander than the best of my wildest dream.  My little pick-up band played three songs.  We did well.  That is the cake of the story.  The icing is that my daughter, Sarah, sang on all three songs and my wife, Lise, played keyboards on one (House of the Rising Sun).  It was perhaps, the grandest moment of my life.

I have a good life.
My wife plays violin in a symphony orchestra.
My daughter plays cello in her school orchestra.
Bach, Beethoven, Mozart.
I schlep the equipment and applaud wildly from the front row and take pictures.
That was the content of my musicality contribution to the family.
Then I get Cancer.
I recover sufficiently to do more than just glance at my life-watch and reconsider  what I should do with my remaining precious time.
I learn how to play an electric-bass guitar (excluding the debacle of a recent performance played at Satin's request).
I actually entice my classical music trained family to get down with some rock-n-roll in public.
They had a blast.
I had a taste of heaven
They want to do more, as do I.
I am now actually putting together a real band (just call me Pinocchio).
'Another Day in Paradise Band'...how appropriate.
Never too late to start a new career.

Had I not gotten Cancer and confronted the time meter on my life, would I have been here today with the same results?  I am thinking, no.

How totally cool it was to experience 'Family von Welton' on stage.  Has to be a top highlight of my life and all post-Cancer bucket list experiences to boot...playing in 'overtime'.

'Time waits for no man...and the band played on'....just saying'.

I don't think that 30 views necessarily makes one internet famous, but none-the-less, we are now on YouTube for the world to see.
rlw

Another Day in Paradise Band 10-15-11

‘Another Day in Paradise’ band  covers “House of the Rising Sun”

‘Another Day in Paradise’ band covers “Rolling in the Deep”

‘Another Day in Paradise’ band covers “Spirit in the Sky”

DAY 1331 - Day 1089 in Recovery Paradise

Glacier Trekking - Skagway, Alaska

Just finished the second half of my three year Tonsil Cancer treatment check-up.  


Got the good-so-far thumbs up from my Head & Neck Oncologist a couple of weeks ago.  My regular physician checked my large catalog of recent blood tests and declared me fit for duty.


My Glaucoma eye specialist says my eye-drop medications ($200 for a 30 day supply each and I have 2 a day) are sufficiently holding off the irreversible slow digression of my sight (which ultimately only means I will hopefully expire of old age before I go blind - ha).

Getting ready to 're-boot' my heart

My Cardiologist (what a fan club my body is building - eh?) performed the latest Cardioversion last week to get my heart beat regular and strong - upped my meds - and re-certified me to head back into the game.  Send me in, coach!

If I have learned anything from this life-changing experience is the ultimate judgement of my time on earth will not be how I started but, rather how I finished.  The value of my hour has increased ten-fold.  

I am not as willing to sell or trade away my hours so cheaply anymore.  Maybe an hour a week is traded to my TV.  Starting the day after my 64th birthday next Wednesday, I will sell fewer hours to my work.  I love my job and love what I do...but as Carl Sandburg said ... "I have miles to go before I sleep".  

Intentionally going part-time is an interesting process and I have been struggling with that decision for about a year.  For 50 years I have strived to get more work-hours and gladly traded my seemingly, unlimited time for more dollars and greater benefits.  To intentionally give up the benefits (quite a decision based on my health issues - but I am still covered with Lise's work) and the work-hour dollars is a result of my restructuring the value of my hour.  As my hours appear to be diminishing in volume, there are not many situations that can really afford me anymore.

Just some of those that can now afford me with my new updated pricing structure are:

*Practice my bass for 1 hour.

*Create a new recipe in the kitchen for 1 hour

*Write this blog for 1 hour

*Sit on one my decks next to the fountain in the recently finished back yard with a glass of Merlot and and Italian Opera wafting through my iPod ear pods for 1 hour.

I can assure you there is nothing imaginable, outside my family, that can afford to buy me away from a half-glass of decent Merlot and Gianni Schicchi - O mio babbino caro and  Luciano Pavarotti - Ave Maria.

This is an excerpt from an email I sent to an unfortunate new member of my Tonsil Cancer Club.  Being a Cancer survivor (technically not for another two years)  is not unlike Alcoholics Anonymous or the Mafia - once in you can only leave via your wake.

Bob from Ca. here.  I just had my 3 year 'all clear' exams from Tonsil Cancer treatment that ended in 2008.

Most people don't know it means when someone says "been to hell and back!", but we all do for sure.  I don't know if this a plus, but my doctors were very blunt and seemingly unsympathetic ... no sugar coating.  They however,were right and there were no surprises.  That said, it didn't make it any easier to know what was coming- one cannot read or hear the words and even begin to grasp the concept.  

There is no one you can talk to better than the unfortunate members of this club.  Family, friends, doctors, etc. KNOW the clinical issues you are experiencing. but NO ONE KNOWS how you really feel until they have personally been through it.

There will be a day very soon when things get better a tiny bit every day.  I also hated the mucus part.  I had 'spit' cups everywhere, car, upstairs, downstairs, every room of the house, next to a 1/2 litre of water.  I remember gagging myself trying to pull it out with my fingers, because it was too dry and thick to spit out.  Radiation to your head every day weekly for seven weeks takes its toll not only on your taste buds, mouth, tongue, but also to your mental state of mind.

Most of us say that hydration is absolutely critical (lots of water- not beers -ha) as the dryness will probably be with you forever. 2008 BC (before Tonsil Cancer) I could put away a 1 lb.box of 'See's Chocolates' (big brand here in California) by myself (always was sick after, of course), but after treatment, I couldn't even stand to have a dime-size piece in my mouth.  I would have to spit it out.  Over the past year, it has improved a bit but, I don't expect the sweet buds to ever return totally (probably one of the tiny weight loss gifts God provided as a result of this big test of my over-all sense of humor).

I started a blog the day I was diagnosed and put my thoughts there regularly all through the first year.  I still post (I will again today) occasionally as not much changes daily like it did in the beginning.

If you would like to see a fellow Tonsil Cancer club member's thoughts as you follow the daily path to recovery...I will post the link here.  Note- we all have different variations of treatment and recovery, but the similarities are mostly the same.

http://robertweltonanotherdayinparadise.blogspot.com/

 (much prefer the taste of beets...now that is a change from the old days) will most likely be an enduring reminder of this experience, lest I tend to forget.

All that said, I am a proponent of positive thinking and positive action.  In the 'half full-half empty' philosophical discussion, I am now happy if there is any damn water in the glass at all!...ha.

Your strength is that you survived it.  You came back from Hell and you will become a better, stronger person in an odd exchange of gifts for the pain you endured.

Every New Day is a Gift. 

Once the daily discomfort eases (AND IT WILL!) -  will all of us look at each new day and appreciate it more than others ... absolutely!  I would not wish this particular version of a 'Life's Wake Up Call' on anyone, but the the Cancer Diagnosis and ensuing treatment experience was just that for me...a tremendous wake up call.  

I just got back from a trip to Alaska, spending money I don't really have - but using the TIME I do have,  where I flew in a helicopter out to the middle of a glacier for a trek (unbelievable)...my 3 year anniversary of Cancer treatment gift.  

On my 1 year anniversary gift to myself,  my family and I took a hot air balloon ride over the Napa Valley (wine area in Ca)...a gift from my sister, who was the best friend, during the tough times, a person could ever have...she lived 200 miles away, but mailed me a funny humor card EVERY DAY for the entire seven weeks of my treatment.  She gave me a giant poster of about 100 beautiful hot air balloons taking off over the valley at dawn to put on my wall next to a gift certificate for me to personally go, when I was able.

Year 2, my wife and I went on a Class 4 whitewater raft trip down the South Fork of the American River.  When our raft upended and threw everyone out into the rapids...everyone was freaked out except me...I was the one laughing, because it wasn't even close to  the experiences I had just lived through).  

Not to be too morose, but a friend on this forum once said something to the effect that the surest way to beat Cancer was to live long enough to die of something else...like old age.

We all wish you well - with strength, courage and humor.  As much as you are able, as soon as you are able, put behind you what happened to you and focus on all the wonderful time you have ahead of you.

Ultimately, we will be judged not on how we started our life, but rather how we finished.  

So, what are you going to do with the next 40 years?

With much love and profound empathy,

Bob/CA

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the one thing I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.“ - Unattributed

DAY 1321 - Day 1079 in Recovery Paradise

Just had my 3 year post treatment update.  All is OK for now.  I have been dealing with a sore throat in the same part of my throat as 3 years ago for the past month and was dreading the visit. Note- it still has not gone away, so not always psychosomatic....

I have been assigned a new regimen of daily (up to 8 times a day in the beginning) saline nasal wash, heavy salt throat gargle and Vaseline in the nasal passages.  I am to use a humidifier and put 'Biotene' moisturizing gel in my mouth at night and use a 'Biotene' mouth spray.

Also got some sobering news from my Head & Neck oncologist:

         Although at 5 years, post treatment,  I can say I am a survivor of this type of Cancer, I am now 10 times more likely (vs. people that haven't had Cancer) to get another Cancer.

     She also said that in her experience (30 years), most new cancers (not a recurrence of first cancer) that occur, come in the 7-10 year post treatment time frame. Tick, Tick, Tick...

She does not advocate CT and Pet scans on a regular (every 6 months etc.} basis.  She says the additional exposure to radiation could be a significant factor in a new-cancer-later possibilities.  

A person that has had 5 CT scans has been exposed to the same amount of radiation as survivors of Hiroshima in WWII (survivors of the atomic bomb attacks at Nagasaki and Hiroshima who had significantly higher cancer risk were exposed to about 100 millisieverts of radiation. A CT scan delivers approximately 20 millisieverts – and since radiation accumulates in the body, a person who has had five CT scans in their life would have the same radiation exposure as an atomic bomb survivor.)

I have had 5 now, 2 in the beginning of 2008 and 3 more (1 week apart) last year when they thought the Cancer had spread to my liver.  It is like the good news now is the bad news.

Also in the news today:  There is now a 'cure for certain types of 'Leukemia' tumors.  Go here:  http://www.voanews.com/english/news/health/Serial-Killer-Cells-Demolish-Leukemia-Tumors-127727628.html

When I asked my oncologist what I could do to make myself less at risk for a recurrence of Cancer, after the obvious (no smoking, drinking, diets high in fat, poor health behaviors, etc.),  she said that there is very little knowledge of why people generally get cancer and her advice was to live a happy life, drink lots of water, and enjoy occasional comfort foods (vs. living on berries, etc.) as a happy, stress-free person is about as immune as a person can get in today's world.  She said that as we are organic beings like plants and animals, we are mortal and have a limited life cycle.  She said there is nothing she could advise me that would absolutely prevent me from getting Cancer again.

Dying from Oral Cancer is 45th on the list of major causes of death worldwide, with violence, measles, diarrhea, suicide and traffic accidents way ahead as possibilities.

Live as healthy of a lifestyle as you can, do the things that make you happy, try not to have any regrets. 

The number one cause of death, worldwide, is due to cardiovascular issues.  I have had issues for an irregular heartbeat for awhile and the meds have stopped doing their job, so in about 7.5 hours, I go in for my second Cardioversion (cardioversion uses a therapeutic dose of electric current to the heart, at a specific moment in the cardiac cycle.) in about six months.  So, why am I still more concerned about Cancer recurrence than my heart issues? 

I have an appointment the day after tomorrow with my ophthalmologist for a recurring eye infection and oh, yeah....my left hearing aid stopped working yesterday..wtf... ha...

 

.................so, I just got back from a  7 day cruise in Alaska, taking the time I do have and spending money I don't really have, to take a helicopter ride out to the fast receding, not so eternal, glacier for a trek...the one remaining thing on my list...note: I scheduled the Cardioversion for after the glacier walk, just in case...

rlw

"The years seem to rush by now, and I think of death as a fast approaching end of a journey - double and treble the reason for loving as well as working while it is day. - George Eliot 

Just about have this song down for my next performance...no puns intentionally intended...

"Spirit in the Sky" - Norman Greenbaum

DAY 1255 - Day 1013 in Recovery Paradise

Wow - made it 1000+ days; so far so good.  I still haven't wrapped my arms completely around the concept of spending my extra gift of time as wisely as I could.  The down side of eternal optimism is that sometimes one has a tendency to deny reality and as a result, one doesn't plan accordingly.  


However, I think I am easing, somewhat into a workable combination of optimism (maybe not so eternal anymore) while also embracing the reality of more sand in the bottom of the hourglass than in the top and an inevitable body parts melt-down and of course the 'can't ignore it so much anymore' aging.  The bad news is that I can't do all the things I used to do (mostly can, but pay the price with aches and pains later), but the good news is that I can still do all the things I want to do.


My Blog from 2008 about this time.  


We had just returned from a week's vacation in Vancouver, thinking it might possibly be my last family excursion and I had gone in for my first full-body scan with a radioactive injection to determine the extent and spread of the cancer.  Father's Day 2008 was pending and life was uncertain (isn't it always?).

"Yet another reason I am a lucky guy. I am blessed with 4 great kids. 3 sons, age 24, 22 and 20 and a daughter age 9. The boys are all out on on their own and my oldest has his own celebration today with my grandson. The "little family" my wife and daughter and myself - went bowling to see if we can bend over without dropping the bowling ball....Father's day tradition...heard from all the boys. Life is good."


1013 days later: I am still that same lucky guy - but more so.  Grandsons, college graduates, bass guitar performance, flying, white-water rafting, great travel, and certainly much more appreciation of all the small things that ultimately are really the BIG things.  Family, love, stronger relationships, sunrises, and a deeper self awareness (that is the most difficult one of all).  Life is good.


rlw

DAY 1237 - Day 995 in Recovery Paradise

CANCER is an overwhelmingly fearsome and ugly enemy.

I have found that my mind can choose to play offense or defense in this unasked-for battle.  I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer in 2008.  Since I got my unwilling turn in the arena with this formidable (but, not unbeatable) giant, I have become a far more positive–minded person than I could have ever imagined. 

That said, I have not yet discovered anything that keeps the blues, worry, depression and fears of life totally away - it is more in the category of 'manageable'. I have tried them all (maybe some twice) – back in 1970, it might have been grouped under sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.  In 2011 it is closer to hugs, a half-glass of wine and rock-n-roll (some things remain constant – ha).

For a big and current instance - my throat got really sore yesterday in the exact same spot where I first discovered my tonsil cancer.  This was just out of the blue.  Interesting side note: In 2008, three years ago, when I was first diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer, we had just won a charity auction for a resort week in Vancouver, Canada.  I delayed starting my treatment to go on the trip. I was figuring it might be my last chance to do so (you know the 40% survival crap they feed you).

Fast forward three years – last week, we won the exact same resort vacation week at the 2011 charity auction (Orlando, Fla. next year) and I had all these flashbacks to 2008 and hunted up and re-read some of my early blogs – ‘Another Day in Paradise’.  I woke up yesterday with the same pain, in the same spot, in my throat as before.  I couldn’t even swallow water without grimacing. I have to honestly say that worry was creeping under the door, like an ominous, intimidating, eerie fog in a bad B movie, again.

Once treated, hopefully, we can live for another fifty years, but the worry never really goes away.  It is the wolf outside our door.  I can ease the daily worry of the wolf by building my mental house of bricks, but when I allow myself to think about it, even for a minute, my mind is capable of imagining that the damn monster is still sitting out there in the shadows, just beyond the gate.

So, I played my custom, motivational music CD.  I watched my new YouTube video of me finally learning how to play electric bass after fifty years and then actually playing in public with a couple of friends at the local pizza parlor. I read and re-read my best motivational books.  In addition to the world not ending on May 21, 2011 as predicted, today I am back to good as it gets - no soreness and no symptoms (I am drinking a cold one as I write to celebrate the very unappreciated miracle of being able to swallow without fears and tears). 

Our mind is an awesome and powerful tool. I figure that if nothing is really wrong, but involuntarily (at least sub-consciously) my mind can imagine that it something is, I must, conversely, have the same power to consciously invoke my mind to imagine that nothing is wrong, when I have a tendency to think that it might be. I feel that there will be time enough to deal with the real if (not when) it happens.

Depression and worry is an ugly and dark maze we conjure for ourselves.  We each have to find our own light to discover the way out of this maze or we will be consumed by it.  Life holds enough real issues to worry about without us adding to it with our over-active imaginations pitching in to help do the Devil's handiwork.

When I was trying to pull myself out of self pity, worry and depression following radiation and chemo treatment, I placed my borrowed motivational thoughts on 3 x 5 cards and posted them everywhere (literally – not figuratively), in every room of the house, on all the mirrors, the outside and inside of the cabinets, my sock drawer, next to the toothpaste, in the cars, even inside the refrigerator, ha.

Have you seen those commercials about how to go about learning a foreign language and so you put the Spanish word for everything on post-it notes throughout your house?  For me, it was akin to hanging garlic everywhere to ward off the vampires from the dark regions of my thoughts.  I highlighted certain positive words and phrases with a yellow marker (live forever, dream, win, perseverance, courage, defiance, success, 'every day is a gift', friends, love, appreciation, power, control. gratitude, etc.).

Sometimes, I would be near tears, because I was not in control of my life and things were happening to me I seemingly could not fix.  I would shuffle over to the nearest 3 x 5 card and read it as best I could (my eyesight was very messed up during radiation - normal for me is 20/1250 in each eye with high power trifocals; so I was half-way to blind already..ha).  

I would repeat it over and over (mentally only, as my mouth was so dry and my tongue was so sore I couldn't speak).  For those few seconds and minutes, I discovered I wasn't wallowing in self-pity.  I was not “THINKING” about my situation. I stepped it up and for me, it was a Godsend for a Type A personality control fanatic that was not in control. 

I had discovered that there finally was something I could proactively do to exert positive control over the out-of-control negative experience of Cancer and the ensuing kick-my-butt, but necessary, chemo and radiation treatment.  

Did it work all the time, 24-7? NO.  My mind-over-matter plan became increasingly powerful, but it was not invincible. On a really good day in the beginning, maybe 50% of my waking hours, I could successfully stave off the demons.  Because I couldn't sleep - I had a lot of waking hours, far more than I wanted. For me, it was far better to get up and do something, anything, rather than lie there, letting the hob-goblins into my thoughts, while everyone around me was sleeping like an innocent.

I liken the experience of proactive, positive motivation as a defense to hold off the enemies of your biggest battle until (for you old folks) John Wayne rides up (or for you younger folks) Gandalf on a white stallion, with ‘Thank God, they are here’ reinforcements.  We do what we have to do to, just to keep the enemy from coming over the walls and breaching our last barely defensible mental position. 

I had thought I was an Iron Man for going to the end of Cancer treatment without a feeding tube and still be able to sip soup and water and walk by myself to the bathroom.  Several trips to the emergency room and a four day hospital stay later after not being able to eat or swallow water for a week, I often felt that I was a beaten man.

My personal Goliath was not seemingly affected by my little sling full of motivational stones, but I kept at it, as it was the only weapon I had.  As I am not an overly religious man and any conversation with God to ask for divine intervention would have to have first been prefaced with a request for a explanation of why I got this damn Cancer in the first place.   My take-away from my early experience with the Bible had always been ‘God helps those who first help themselves’ and I always have had an inherent personal disapproval of being a whiner.

Finally, the day arrived when I was felt I just a tiny bit better than I was the day before.  Albeit, it was about two months after treatment ended.  That was the day for me that John Wayne and Gandalf and my reinforcements arrived with a little bugle blowing faintly in the wind.

My iPod with my positive, or at least, and my “you are not alone – I CAN relate to it" music was one of my new best friends. ‘Help’, by the Beatles was good for that.  Who knew that John wrote that for me?  I heard it at least a thousand times before I finally listened to it and have it touch me.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

While the whole song isn’t compatible with cancer survivor circumstances, how about  ‘Yesterday’, also, by the Beatles…

Yesterday, 
All my troubles seemed so far away, 
Now it looks as though they're here to stay, 
Oh, I believe in yesterday. 

Suddenly, 
I'm not half the man I used to be, 
There's a shadow hanging over me, 
Oh, yesterday came suddenly....

Zig Ziglar, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Roosevelt, Dale Carnegie, William Earnest Henly, Winston Churchill, John Lennon,Yoda, Hunter S. Thompson, Charles Bukowski and my favorite, ‘Anonymous’, became my newest and wisest best friends.  Their inspiration was there for me in ways I couldn't have imagined.

Has battling Cancer changed me forever?  I would say, Yes.  Will I still experience worry and doubt?  I have to say, Yes.  Will I find courage in having discovered my sword of positive motivation, forged in the midst of battle, from inspirational words of steel?  I say, Yes.  Will I succumb to future opportunities to experience depression and tears?  I hope not.

Should I ever pat myself on the back because of my new found strength and even begin to imply that I discovered this powerful mental ally to keep the demons at bay? 

I have friends that, as they have had more conversations with God than I have, would probably say  “You know Bob, because you did choose to help yourself, therefore, is it possible that God……..?”

rlw