DAY 1237 - Day 995 in Recovery Paradise

CANCER is an overwhelmingly fearsome and ugly enemy.

I have found that my mind can choose to play offense or defense in this unasked-for battle.  I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer in 2008.  Since I got my unwilling turn in the arena with this formidable (but, not unbeatable) giant, I have become a far more positive–minded person than I could have ever imagined. 

That said, I have not yet discovered anything that keeps the blues, worry, depression and fears of life totally away - it is more in the category of 'manageable'. I have tried them all (maybe some twice) – back in 1970, it might have been grouped under sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.  In 2011 it is closer to hugs, a half-glass of wine and rock-n-roll (some things remain constant – ha).

For a big and current instance - my throat got really sore yesterday in the exact same spot where I first discovered my tonsil cancer.  This was just out of the blue.  Interesting side note: In 2008, three years ago, when I was first diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer, we had just won a charity auction for a resort week in Vancouver, Canada.  I delayed starting my treatment to go on the trip. I was figuring it might be my last chance to do so (you know the 40% survival crap they feed you).

Fast forward three years – last week, we won the exact same resort vacation week at the 2011 charity auction (Orlando, Fla. next year) and I had all these flashbacks to 2008 and hunted up and re-read some of my early blogs – ‘Another Day in Paradise’.  I woke up yesterday with the same pain, in the same spot, in my throat as before.  I couldn’t even swallow water without grimacing. I have to honestly say that worry was creeping under the door, like an ominous, intimidating, eerie fog in a bad B movie, again.

Once treated, hopefully, we can live for another fifty years, but the worry never really goes away.  It is the wolf outside our door.  I can ease the daily worry of the wolf by building my mental house of bricks, but when I allow myself to think about it, even for a minute, my mind is capable of imagining that the damn monster is still sitting out there in the shadows, just beyond the gate.

So, I played my custom, motivational music CD.  I watched my new YouTube video of me finally learning how to play electric bass after fifty years and then actually playing in public with a couple of friends at the local pizza parlor. I read and re-read my best motivational books.  In addition to the world not ending on May 21, 2011 as predicted, today I am back to good as it gets - no soreness and no symptoms (I am drinking a cold one as I write to celebrate the very unappreciated miracle of being able to swallow without fears and tears). 

Our mind is an awesome and powerful tool. I figure that if nothing is really wrong, but involuntarily (at least sub-consciously) my mind can imagine that it something is, I must, conversely, have the same power to consciously invoke my mind to imagine that nothing is wrong, when I have a tendency to think that it might be. I feel that there will be time enough to deal with the real if (not when) it happens.

Depression and worry is an ugly and dark maze we conjure for ourselves.  We each have to find our own light to discover the way out of this maze or we will be consumed by it.  Life holds enough real issues to worry about without us adding to it with our over-active imaginations pitching in to help do the Devil's handiwork.

When I was trying to pull myself out of self pity, worry and depression following radiation and chemo treatment, I placed my borrowed motivational thoughts on 3 x 5 cards and posted them everywhere (literally – not figuratively), in every room of the house, on all the mirrors, the outside and inside of the cabinets, my sock drawer, next to the toothpaste, in the cars, even inside the refrigerator, ha.

Have you seen those commercials about how to go about learning a foreign language and so you put the Spanish word for everything on post-it notes throughout your house?  For me, it was akin to hanging garlic everywhere to ward off the vampires from the dark regions of my thoughts.  I highlighted certain positive words and phrases with a yellow marker (live forever, dream, win, perseverance, courage, defiance, success, 'every day is a gift', friends, love, appreciation, power, control. gratitude, etc.).

Sometimes, I would be near tears, because I was not in control of my life and things were happening to me I seemingly could not fix.  I would shuffle over to the nearest 3 x 5 card and read it as best I could (my eyesight was very messed up during radiation - normal for me is 20/1250 in each eye with high power trifocals; so I was half-way to blind already..ha).  

I would repeat it over and over (mentally only, as my mouth was so dry and my tongue was so sore I couldn't speak).  For those few seconds and minutes, I discovered I wasn't wallowing in self-pity.  I was not “THINKING” about my situation. I stepped it up and for me, it was a Godsend for a Type A personality control fanatic that was not in control. 

I had discovered that there finally was something I could proactively do to exert positive control over the out-of-control negative experience of Cancer and the ensuing kick-my-butt, but necessary, chemo and radiation treatment.  

Did it work all the time, 24-7? NO.  My mind-over-matter plan became increasingly powerful, but it was not invincible. On a really good day in the beginning, maybe 50% of my waking hours, I could successfully stave off the demons.  Because I couldn't sleep - I had a lot of waking hours, far more than I wanted. For me, it was far better to get up and do something, anything, rather than lie there, letting the hob-goblins into my thoughts, while everyone around me was sleeping like an innocent.

I liken the experience of proactive, positive motivation as a defense to hold off the enemies of your biggest battle until (for you old folks) John Wayne rides up (or for you younger folks) Gandalf on a white stallion, with ‘Thank God, they are here’ reinforcements.  We do what we have to do to, just to keep the enemy from coming over the walls and breaching our last barely defensible mental position. 

I had thought I was an Iron Man for going to the end of Cancer treatment without a feeding tube and still be able to sip soup and water and walk by myself to the bathroom.  Several trips to the emergency room and a four day hospital stay later after not being able to eat or swallow water for a week, I often felt that I was a beaten man.

My personal Goliath was not seemingly affected by my little sling full of motivational stones, but I kept at it, as it was the only weapon I had.  As I am not an overly religious man and any conversation with God to ask for divine intervention would have to have first been prefaced with a request for a explanation of why I got this damn Cancer in the first place.   My take-away from my early experience with the Bible had always been ‘God helps those who first help themselves’ and I always have had an inherent personal disapproval of being a whiner.

Finally, the day arrived when I was felt I just a tiny bit better than I was the day before.  Albeit, it was about two months after treatment ended.  That was the day for me that John Wayne and Gandalf and my reinforcements arrived with a little bugle blowing faintly in the wind.

My iPod with my positive, or at least, and my “you are not alone – I CAN relate to it" music was one of my new best friends. ‘Help’, by the Beatles was good for that.  Who knew that John wrote that for me?  I heard it at least a thousand times before I finally listened to it and have it touch me.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

While the whole song isn’t compatible with cancer survivor circumstances, how about  ‘Yesterday’, also, by the Beatles…

Yesterday, 
All my troubles seemed so far away, 
Now it looks as though they're here to stay, 
Oh, I believe in yesterday. 

Suddenly, 
I'm not half the man I used to be, 
There's a shadow hanging over me, 
Oh, yesterday came suddenly....

Zig Ziglar, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Roosevelt, Dale Carnegie, William Earnest Henly, Winston Churchill, John Lennon,Yoda, Hunter S. Thompson, Charles Bukowski and my favorite, ‘Anonymous’, became my newest and wisest best friends.  Their inspiration was there for me in ways I couldn't have imagined.

Has battling Cancer changed me forever?  I would say, Yes.  Will I still experience worry and doubt?  I have to say, Yes.  Will I find courage in having discovered my sword of positive motivation, forged in the midst of battle, from inspirational words of steel?  I say, Yes.  Will I succumb to future opportunities to experience depression and tears?  I hope not.

Should I ever pat myself on the back because of my new found strength and even begin to imply that I discovered this powerful mental ally to keep the demons at bay? 

I have friends that, as they have had more conversations with God than I have, would probably say  “You know Bob, because you did choose to help yourself, therefore, is it possible that God……..?”

rlw

DAY 1221 - Day 979 in Recovery Paradise

May 11, 2011  Bob/Sarah

Early 2008, we were the high bidder at a Camellia Symphony fundraising auction for a week's vacation with World Mark Resorts.  We decided to go to Vancouver and Victoria Island, Canada for a week in June, 2008.  Just before we left, on May 28, 2008, I was diagnosed with Tonsil Cancer and I postponed treatment to go on on the planned vacation, figuring it might be my last. 

May 11, 2011 Bob/Lise

Fast forward to May, 2011.  Same fundraising auction, same opportunity.  The week vacation trip of our choice was on the silent auction block.  Our strategy was to wait until the last minute (actually last 30 seconds) and bid it up by $5.   Sarah did the honors, finishing up with 1 second left with the previous high bidder jumping up and down behind her... chagrined to be outbid and out-strategized by a twelve year-old girl.  We are narrowing it down to Florida, Mexico, Hawaii or Canada...all tough choices, but at 50% off - not a bad deal.  

So, three years later, I am still kicking and planning another vacation.  Have had a ball the past three years and plan to keep it until there is no keeping up.

Nancy Loeffler sent me this link today, thinking of me and my renewed sense of the value of time.  A perfect match for how all of us should think and act forward.  

Should be required reading.  Thanks Nancy.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

Robert L. Welton

What I thought when my plane crashed - CNN.com*

DAY 1048 - Day 806 in Recovery Paradise

2008 radiation start

2010 2 1/2 years later

Wow...over 1000 days since this long strange trip began.  My throat has been sore again for a couple of days in the same spot where it all began.  I can't help but go to the dark evil place my mind creates when this happens.  Lise says it is because I sleep with my mouth open and I will have a raw spot where the cancer was, forever.  When this happened two years ago, it seemed so innocuous, but turned out to be anything but that.  Maybe my doctor will forbid me to talk...ha.

Thanksgiving coming next week.  Holidays, in  particular have special meaning on the bright side of the dark chasm of a Cancer diagnosis.  I remember 2 years ago, hoping to have my first solid food in many months.  I still had the feeding tube in and felt like I had a walk-on part in the "Alien" movie series. I had graduated from water to nothing to feeding tube to soup.  I actually had turkey and mashed potatoes (with lots of gravy) on the 2008 holiday.  There was some serious "thanks" giving going on that day.

Family tradition dinners are getting smaller.  My three sons are grown men now with their own families and obligations.  They have discovered the joys of solid employment and will probably have to work that day.  My oldest and his family are in Idaho with snow up to there - forecast for Thanksgiving Day with the other two enjoying the blessings of employment with heavy work schedules through the holidays.

The newest addition to the Welton clan will be joining us in a bit over a week ...my new bun-still-in-the-oven grandson (lovingly referred to at this point as "skittle bean")...I can see that moniker lasting for a long time....will be here in about ten days.

For the most part, I feel good, glad to be here.

“Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Song of the Day:  "My Best Days are Still Ahead of Me"  Danny Gokey

DAY 643 - Day 542 in Recovery Paradise

5 ways to handle the waiting

Had my CTScan last night to check out the mysterious spots on my liver from the last partial scan. The waiting for results is the hardest part. Handled the chemo and the radiation. Handled the emergency room visits. Handled the hair loss. Handled the loss of 35lbs when I only had 10 to give. Handled the off work for 6 months going crazy out of my mind with boredom.

The test is done. Either I have a minor issue with cysts or scars or I have liver cancer. One is a minor problem with a bunch of years ahead of me or I get the sentence no one wants. It is like looking at a present under the tree with your name on it at Christmas. But it is Christmas eve and you can't open it until tomorrow. You have to wait. And Wait. And Wait. What you asked for was a pony. The box is big enough. Could be the pony - could be a ton of horse manure?

Living in three and six month increments is tough. I like the living part, but having tests to see if you are going down the cure trail is tough. It is the day before the test and the day after the test waiting for the results that is the toughest. It is like voting off a contestant on American Idol where there are two contestants left, they open the envelope look at the results, look at both contestants and say - "one of you will stay and one of you will go away- and the answer is...we will let you know after right this commercial." AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH.

I have found five things that have helped me get through the waiting time:

* The Power of Positive Thinking! By far the best tool for me. I had a great mentor named Ron Frank when I worked for U-Haul Corporation many years ago. His advice to me was pretty cool. He said "Think of the person you respect the most in your life. Imagine them calling you first thing in the morning and telling you how much they appreciated you, your talent, your skills, your character, the positive things you brought to every relationship. What would the rest of your day be like?" Wow! I would be unstoppable. I would be on top of the world.

"Now imagine them calling you first thing in the morning and telling you that they no longer appreciated you, you were not worthy of them being connected to you and you brought no value to the relationship...what would the rest of your day be like?" God, I would go back to bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels and not leave the house.

If your mind is set to believe what you hear from others and the people you respect the most - they have the power over you and your days. Good and Bad. He taught me to BE THE PERSON I RESPECTED THE MOST and make that all important phone call to myself every morning. Have done so every morning thereafter. Before I get up, before I open my eyes- I remind myself of my value, my power to overcome adversity, and repeat many times, I can do this, I will do this, I am going to have an outstanding day.

Your mind WILL believe what it hears. Be the first person you talk to and make your day a powerful one. With all the waiting for test results which basically say you will live or die is difficult to endure. I could be drinking heavily or sitting in a dark room (drinking heavily) feeling sorry for myself. Even if there is just a drop of water in the glass, it is still half full.

* The Power of Music - I love my music. Sometimes it is like the song was written just for me for this time in my life. "Yesterday, when all my troubles seemed so far away"-Beatles, "Every little thing gonna be alright" - Bob Marley, "Feeling Good - You know how I feel -It's a new dawn-It's a new day-It's a new life-For me-And I'm feeling good" Adam Lambert version, "Live like you're dying-tell them you love them while you can"..Kris Allen - Tim McGraw version works also..you get the picture. Put these all together on a cd and crank it up - will drive the blues out the door.

* The Power of Writing - When you are writing - a blog, an email, a letter - you are in control of your life, not the clock. Once it clicks, it is like turning the faucet on - it flows. You can get totally lost in your subject - remembering kids birthday parties, the good old days (like the time I partied with Jefferson Airplane backstage in Asbury Park, New Jersey in the 70's). You are there - in the moment - a moment stolen back from the gloom. I belong to an international Tonsil-Cancer forum - full of great people, sharing experiences and being a second family that knows how to talk the talk because everyone of them has had a chance to walk-the-walk. They are there now or have been there and know from the heart what you are thinking.

* The Power of Spiritualism - I would not say that I am a religious person. There are too many bad things that happen to innocent young people in this world for me to fully embrace faith. I am 62, had a fantastic life, few regrets. I would like more time, but have fully used what was given to me to date. I have traveled extensively and have seen so many wonderful sunrises and sunsets all over the world, watched my garden flourish each summer, witnessed my tulips sprout, grow and bloom to not think there is a force beyond my limited imagination. I believe in omens and believe they are in front of us everyday - if we are open to seeing them. I appreciate the communication that I believe was meant for me. That is also reflected in the power of giving of yourself. I spent a half-hour at the Cancer treatment ward at a local hospital yesterday afternoon before my scan - pumping up a fellow Tonsil Cancer patient - just starting treatment. Total stranger. Met on-line in a Tonsil Cancer forum and discovered we were from the same town. Small world. There are people on this forum from all over the world and this guy was my omen. A chance to give back. He was having a radiation treatment yesterday 10 blocks from my office. He and his wife really appreciated me coming by, but the gift was also for me. I didn't think about my situation at all. For those moments, I wasn't thinking about me, my issues, my pending results. Good omen.

* The Power of Love - The best. Being connected to a deadly disease snaps you into a hard reality of your personal value proposition. What do you value most in life or even more than life? The power to love and be loved. I have lots of things. If I don't get the life warranty extension I am hoping for, it won't be the car and the furniture I will be missing. Love transcends all things. I am lucky. Very Lucky. I love my wife, my kids, my extended family, my friends and they feel the same way about me. I know it. I can feel it. My sister has called me and emailed me and text-ed (is that a word?) me twice. That is just today. She sent me the Bob Marley song. The way my wife just silently looks at me with love exuding from just the look. No words. I am a very rich man. I have very little money, but am blessed with the most valuable possession money cannot buy. Love can only be given to you freely. You have either earned it or you haven't. If you don't have that account full yet, start now...you never know when you will have to make a withdrawal.

I still have my anxious moments. I haven't quite achieved Nirvana yet. I do however, have quite the toolbox of power tools to deal with this inconvenient gift of Cancer. I recommend the power of gathering around you: positive people, positive thoughts, the power to embrace the things you can control. Build a good fort, like when you were a kid. Remember how safe you felt in that cardboard box? Its protection only existed because you BELIEVED it existed.

Even a pony in the box tomorrow isn't permanent. I get to do this again in six months and every six months for three more years, before you get a clean bill of health that says you are technically back to where you were before you were diagnosed.

I would be interested in hearing what works for you. Still got room in my tool box for good tools.

Bob

DAY 642 - Day 541 in Recovery Paradise

well here we go...Taking a barrel of meds, one of which is Readi-Cat 2 (Barium Sulphate Suspension) two big canisters of it - says Berry Smoothie, but not quite teh right description. I am leaving in two minutes for the CTScan.

Here is excerpt from email I shared with another Tonsil Cancer guy I met onthe Cancer Form that is being treated in Sacramento. Went down to say hi - and meet him and his wife at the radiology dept today. They sent me a thank you email.


Happy to meet you...thought it might be cool to see a living, breathing person that made it through to the other side....a visual aid. Happy to apply for the position of guide dog.

Good to see you two - will post the photo tonight - should be home by 8:30p - I have 6 premeds to take - one at 7:30a this morning and the others between 5:30p-7:20p...Blueberry flavored liquid chalk for dinner...........

There are two sets of instructions for the 900ml of liquid, the first page was all about enemas and for the life of me I couldn't figure out while they would make them in blueberry, chocolate (well maybe that one) and banana. As I was pondering the oddity of all that- my wife laughed and started reading the second page for oral consumption. Whew-

Hang in there - eat what you can while you can. Hug everybody. There are only 24 hours in the day...use them as wisely as you can.

Here is the link to the Zero Gravity chair- they are $10 cheaper than when I got mine- best investment I have made in awhile.

http://www.amazon.com/Strathwood-Anti-Gravity-Adjustable-Recliner-Champagne/dp/B001BSQB94/ref=pd_sim_ol_1


Bob/Downtown Sacramento where I couldn't find the Valet Parking until you guys showed me...

DAY 578 - Day 477 in Recovery Paradise

This time a year ago, I was in a good recovery mode, but still not very strong. This year, it seems that I am stronger and in better shape than I have been in a long time. Perhaps, it is just relative to how down and out I was after treatment, but perhaps not.

When I first started my chemo (3) and radiation (35), I was told that it would be a good year in recovery. Having been healthy and athletic my whole life, it was pretty inconceivable that I couldn't bounce back more quickly than that. Although, I got stronger over time and was back at work in 6 months, it did take an exceeding long time to say "I am fully recovered from the treatments." At my lowest point, about Sept-Oct 2008, I could barely walk and was sick most of the time, however, I now have more energy than most people half my age and I sincerely appreciate that gift.

Christmas went well this year, and savored the greatest gift of love and family bestowed upon me once again. I am glad I was here to enjoy it. My sons (mid 20's)and grandson came over Christmas Eve for a short visit. I got to enjoy the joy of Christmas morning with my wife and 11 year old daughter. This is the year I kicked in with my start of the Legacy Gift. I gave each son a photo album of his life with me from day of birth through moving out on their own. Whereas the first 60 photos were of each son individualy or with me, the final few pages were of me and all 3 boys or just the 3 brothers together. The last 16 photos were of their connection to family history. There were pictures of me, my dad, my grandfather, and my great grandmother (4 generations), etc. It was tough to wade through many,many hundreds of slide and photos and pick the best 80 for each boy. So, I put the top 350 photos on a cd and stuck in on the inside back cover of the photo album. I have one for my wife and daughter in progress.

A tough joke in my tonsil cancer group, is that we will beat this thing and strive to live long enough to die of something else. That is how we will win. My goal is to clean up a lot of loose ends and cross some things off my list. I don't have any burning bridges to fix, but did pass on several hundred photos from the past to my son's mom this holiday also. It has been 20 years since I had touched those photos and hope she will enjoy them. I don't exactly have a bucket list of places to visit, as I have had the great fortune to have done my travelling and living on the exciting edge when I was younger. I have, however, spent 40 years accumulating "stuff" and now am motivated to divest myself of most of this "personal stuff" while I still have a say in it. I remember going through my Mom's "stuff" with my sister ten years ago and we still have boxes of unresolved "Mom's stuff" it in our respective garages. I do not wish that on my sons. Most of my "personal stuff" holds only value to me and I am sure it would be split equally among eBay, Goodwill, and the dump. My first and bigget goal is accomplished with the photo history album for my sons. I have more to go and will build on it, but the basic task was accomplished. I also made a small dent in "Garage Hell," Christmas Eve, by unloading a tool box and some hand tools to my eldest ( as I have at least 3 of everything) and a boatload of extra spices from the kitchen to my youngest.

I joke that when I go out, I will have worked my way down to owning only a bamboo mat, a single orchid in a handmade vase and 3 small stones ( I have no idea what the significance of 3 small stacked stones is, but it sure looks cool). Chasing Zen. Since I will do this task in my own style, I have dubbed it the "Zen Bob Way"...which, always causes me to smile.

"Nothing can match the strength of those whose lives have been shaped and forged through challenging and overcoming hardships. Such people fear nothing. To cultivate such an invincible core is in itself a victory. It is also the greatest benefit. Those that can succeed in this endeavor will savor unsurpassed happiness"......Diasaku Ikeda

"I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor