DAY 1255 - Day 1013 in Recovery Paradise

Wow - made it 1000+ days; so far so good.  I still haven't wrapped my arms completely around the concept of spending my extra gift of time as wisely as I could.  The down side of eternal optimism is that sometimes one has a tendency to deny reality and as a result, one doesn't plan accordingly.  


However, I think I am easing, somewhat into a workable combination of optimism (maybe not so eternal anymore) while also embracing the reality of more sand in the bottom of the hourglass than in the top and an inevitable body parts melt-down and of course the 'can't ignore it so much anymore' aging.  The bad news is that I can't do all the things I used to do (mostly can, but pay the price with aches and pains later), but the good news is that I can still do all the things I want to do.


My Blog from 2008 about this time.  


We had just returned from a week's vacation in Vancouver, thinking it might possibly be my last family excursion and I had gone in for my first full-body scan with a radioactive injection to determine the extent and spread of the cancer.  Father's Day 2008 was pending and life was uncertain (isn't it always?).

"Yet another reason I am a lucky guy. I am blessed with 4 great kids. 3 sons, age 24, 22 and 20 and a daughter age 9. The boys are all out on on their own and my oldest has his own celebration today with my grandson. The "little family" my wife and daughter and myself - went bowling to see if we can bend over without dropping the bowling ball....Father's day tradition...heard from all the boys. Life is good."


1013 days later: I am still that same lucky guy - but more so.  Grandsons, college graduates, bass guitar performance, flying, white-water rafting, great travel, and certainly much more appreciation of all the small things that ultimately are really the BIG things.  Family, love, stronger relationships, sunrises, and a deeper self awareness (that is the most difficult one of all).  Life is good.


rlw

DAY 1232 - Day 990 in Recovery Paradise

Living the dream

Old dogs can learn new tricks

I belong to an international Tonsil Cancer forum and we support each other through our posts and emails.  A caregiver in our group posted concerns about the possibility of the Cancer returning to her husband's lymph nodes and the worry they share that accompanies that fear...  My shared thoughts:

Damn those lumps.  That is a tough one.  All of us, caregivers and care receivers alike, are constantly tested on our abilities to stay positive and our strength to harbor hope.

Since tomorrow, May 21, 2011, is proclaimed by some to be the "End of Days" this may be my last post - so I thought I would ramble a bit with my observations.  If we are still here in 48 hours, my profound apologies for taking up so many pixels on this forum.....

My two-cents worth would be to fill the mind to overflowing with positive thoughts daily.  Have him start a diary or blog and fill it daily with "half-full" vs. "half empty" thoughts and his personal 'Gratitudes'.  There are many, many, many things for all of us to be grateful for: our family, our ability to love and be loved, our small, but important accomplishments, our impact on earth, our personal legacy and yet another Sunrise each day…a daily miracle,  to add to our life experience.  Overfill the mind and imagination with the positive YOU CHOOSE to put into it and there will be little room left over for anything else.  

This is a never-ending process that should be used forever 'til the end of our days. Someday, far-far into the future, it will be our last day.  That day, while inevitable, is not written by a predetermined fate or in stone. Our attitudes can make that day closer or farther away (…if we are not here anymore after tomorrow - I was wrong, but just in case...).  

Become at peace with yourself and who you love and WHAT you did with the TIME that God gave you and WHO you became as a result of your thoughts and actions, not where you went and places you saw. Start today, it is never too late. There is still plenty of time to maximize the value of our remaining hours.  Read the news - how many famous people will be remembered forever by their last poorly chosen acts, not the wonderful deeds they accomplished before.  I believe the reverse is also true.  I have not always made good choices in my earlier years; however, if my remaining days are full of positive choices, I hope to be remembered that way.

Everyone works at this task differently.  I love to collect quotes that fill my mind with hope and fill my imagination with who I still might still become and the impact I can still have on others, as my legacy.

Look at all the great literature, music and quotes that have sustained the masses for eons.  Many are authored by "Anonymous'.  That is easily any one of us.  We don't have to write the Bible, the great novel or become the Beethoven of our era.  One person we loved and showed them through our actions or one thought or gesture we shared that positively impacts someone who lives beyond us is infinitely more valuable than the experience of seeing the Alps, Taj Mahal or the Golden Gate Bridge from the window of a speeding tour bus.

On Christmas day, 2010, I started a new daily blog for me that, although I share it with those I love, it is mostly for me:  SUNRISE and TIME.   Some times I ramble, but mostly I post a just few quotes about the use of the TIME given us. That is what I choose to put into my head each day.  A lot of the quotes I post are from people that are long since dead.  Do they live on in my posts?  Is my life richer by reading, internalizing, applying and sharing their thoughts and observations?  

Some quotes are famous, some are not.  They all have a thread that we all share.  How valuable is our time?  Long or short, how do we choose to invest it and use the hours we were given.  Centuries ago, human beings were dealing with the same crisis of how they used the time given them and how much of that illusive gift of TIME they might have left.  Nothing has changed, other than we are richer for the thoughts they left behind.

When that final day comes for me, my hope is that I will accept the moment, regretting little, knowing I have loved much, lived well and hopefully, positively impacted a few.

Is life unlike a relay race of our time through eternity?  At the end, weary and spent, regardless of the sound of the crowd, I have to ask myself:   Did I run my leg of the race well?  Did I use my head, my experience, my strength and my heart to do all that I could?  Did my 64 seconds count?  Did I let my teammates down?  Will my effort be remembered in a positive way? 

Would it be beneficial to the final results for me to conjure up all that I could be from the inner depths of my being and give it my all to have a final, fantastic spurt of energy at the end of my leg of the race? Did I give my teammates an advantage in their start?  Did I pass the baton so smoothly that their results will harbor a small part of me? 

My 64 years in this race across eternity is so insignificant in the vastness of time that it will not be even recognizable in the broad picture…but, if my team does well, I will have contributed and that is what really counts.  If I stumbled, fell and lay sprawling in the blood and dust; did I lie there feeling sorry for myself, giving up, cursing that fate had cheated me, impossibly begging to start over or did I pick myself up and recommit myself all the while, running in the middle of the race, to become the winner I was capable of and provide inspiration to those that yet, had their legs of the race to run?

One of the quotes I especially like is "We don't fear dying as much as we fear not being remembered."

Not everyone is a Christian by chosen faith, but here is a Christian version that probably resonates within all of us:

"Everyone wants a shot to fame don’t we? That’s because we think that’s how to be remembered for the longest time. Yes, that can be true, but how long is long? About a hundred years? Two? Maybe a thousand or two? People know a handful of guys from three thousand years ago. How is that compared to eternity? It is but a short strand compared to an endless highway.

The fear of oblivion can only be present when you know you will be forgotten. If you are assured that you will be remembered, the fear will not exist. In my case, I do not fear it. In this world, my fame might not spread and I don’t need it to because everything in this world will fade away. In other words, everything this world holds is subject to oblivion. What I’m concerned about is if the eternal being – God, will remember me. If God remembers me then I am satisfied and my fear of being forgotten has been buried."  Personal strength can come from many sources.  This particular quote comes from "God and You."  

I also enjoy reading Hunter S. Thompson:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!" 
— Hunter S. Thompson

and Charles Bukowski.

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." 
— Charles Bukowski

Atheists and religious believers alike face the same challenges.  "Perception is reality." Our truth is merely what we choose to BELIEVE what is true.  

No one can live for you and no one can die for you.  We travel that journey alone.  We put into our heads the information and experiences that form our beliefs by choice.  Choose well.  You are loved.

Damn those damn lumps.

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way." 
— Charles Bukowski

DAY 1065 - Day 823 in Recovery Paradise

Elizabeth Edwards (1949-2010) was an advocate for staying strong while living with cancer.  She lived with stage 4 cancer for quite awhile.  This warrior in the cancer crusades lost the battle,  but made an indelible mark on the rest of the world with her actions and her words.  Her last Facebook post was:

The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human," she wrote.

"But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know."

For all of us, the game of life will have an end.  How we choose to live our days, hours, minutes; the impact we have on others, those that will carry our torch after we are no longer in the race; this will be our legacy.  It is hard enough to be strong and a shining example in the best of times.  How we choose to face our challenges and lead our lives in the worst of times will surely define who we really are and how we will be remembered.

I participated in a forum that is building  a Q & A checklist for the unfortunate souls yet to be diagnosed with Oral/Tonsil/Throat, etc. Cancer.  My contribution to the group was:

*Get all your dental work done before your face and jaw are radiated. I have the special custom made dental trays and fluoride paste.  I use it every night and will forever, as a result of the head & neck radiation. The bone structure is weakened and you want to avoid having any major dental work, post radiation,  if you can.

* Bulk up in weight while you can.  You need to have something extra to lose, because you will lose weight.  I added ten pounds and lost thirty-five.  You won't be able to eat again until much later so enjoy butter and cream on everything until it starts to taste like moldy cardboard.

*Seriously consider having a "peg"  feeding tube installed (a long plastic tube sticking out of your stomach so you can take protein and liquids on a gravity fed system when you can no longer swallow - not even water).  I thought I was a tough guy and got all the way through treatment - and then landed in the hospital the week after treatment ended to get hydrated and have the tube installed - Hated it .  Immensely!  But it saved my life.

*Maintain a light regimen of exercise, walking, stretching, anything - it is as good for your mind and it is for your body.  You will get weak and for me I was reduced to the pitiful shuffle of a 90 year old man.  Having been in sports in high school and college, I wasn't used to not being able to walk across the room.  I was a whiner about the exercise, so instruct your spouse, friend, caregiver, to be unrelenting on the encouragement to get a bit of exercise in daily.  You will be better off for it.

*Surround yourself with positive motivation, whether it is positive quotes, music, relationships, prayer, etc.  Develop a powerful, positive Mantra.  I used mine ( I WILL beat this cancer, I WILL beat this cancer, I WILL beat this cancer ) with a custom CD with 5 three minute songs during the 35 fifteen minute rads to fight the claustrophobia and "why me's".  To insure precise targeted doses of the radiation you are fitted with a custom face mask that bolts to the table and your body is strapped down to the table before they slide you into the radiation tube.  I used to ask my radiation techs if they charged extra to the S & M patients. Very claustrophobic.

*Start a blog or diary.  Sometimes this will be the only way you can communicate.  My throat was so dry and I also couldn't swallow - even if I could, it was too painful.  Writing in my blog solved the communication problem.  I remember friends calling to check up on me and having to hang up because I couldn't get any sound to come out.

 *Make a Gratitude List of all the good things you are thankful for and the experiences you have had in your life.  DO NOT write a bucket list (until you recover).  Do not focus for one second on what you don't have or didn't do.  The size of the good-things-I-am- thankful-for Gratitude List will surprise you.  It will be much longer than you thought possible.  Make copies. post one in every room of your home and put a copy in your wallet.  Read it every day. Read it again.

*Radiation and chemo (perhaps surgery) Treatment is awful, but it is necessary to survive. I also hated going to the dentist my whole life,  but I did it because I wanted to keep my  teeth.  I hated going through rads and chemo, but I did it because I wanted to keep my life.  Treatment is just a job,  A dirty, nasty, unforgiving job.  Do the job.  Get it over with. Move on with your life, a better life for the number of days you do have .  Now you can write your bucket list.  I was lucky.  I have had the good fortune to live a fantastic and exciting life.  My list only had four things on it.

1.  Tell everyone how important they are, how much you love them and mend ALL your bridges. It is a shame that I had to get cancer to figure this one out. * I threw a party a week after I got my two-year, cancer free, diagnosis,  with over 50 people in attendance to celebrate my relationship with them - family, friends, and co-workers.  It was fantastic. I loved it- they loved it. Very fulfilling.

2.  I wanted to write and be published...and here we are on the world wide web.  I have feedback and emails from people from all over the world after reading my cancer blog.

3.  I always wanted to play in a rock band.  On my 63rd birthday (three months ago) I started taking music lessons on my new Fender electric bass. It is really a thirty year old NEW electric bass.  I bought it NEW thirty years ago in a momentary lapse of judgment in a fleeting mid-life crisis, recovered,  and promptly put it in the closet.  I rediscovered it, wiped off the dust and bought an amp. 

Sometime next year, my guitar teacher is grabbing some of his friends and is putting a band together for me, one night only,  playing the only three songs I know how to play, at a pizza parlor with a stage...open invitation to my friends. 

Then I can hang up the guitar - or sell it on eBay or God willing, live long enough to really learn how to play that thing and get into a real band.  All classic rock, country and blues of course.

Note: I am growing a beard and stopped cutting my hair - because I can (which is amazing because I lost all my hair during chemo and I thought it would never come back) to accentuate my new found Rock Star image.

4. Leave a legacy to be proud of.  I am compiling a print version and DVD version of my life stories, excerpts from my blogs and my new found deep appreciation for all those that are important to me.  I finished my will.  I have provisions for my wife and four children and my new grand children.  I intend to live a full twenty years more....but, just in case.

Long after the cars and bank account and things are gone, how you will be remembered, will be your legacy. 

I love these quotes:

"What we are is God's gift to us.  What we become is our gift to God. " ~Eleanor Powell

"It is never too late to be who you might have been." ~ George Eliot